Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?
Other
I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”
Anyone have a better one-liner they love?
(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)
Went to my barbers today and asked his his prices. He said £25 for a haircut and £10 for a shave.
I gave him a tenner and said, here, shave my head.
I just failed my English exam. Although my dad wasn't pleased, my grammar was very sympathetic.
Just saw vultures, buzzards and eagles all fighting over some roadkill. What a carrion.
Mr and Mrs Bucket were concerned about the health of their daughter, as everyone thought she was a little pail!
Mr and Mrs Bucket were concerned about the health of their daughter, as everyone thought she was a little pail!
My neighbour just said to me 'I've got some bad news and some good news. The bad news is a helicopter has crashed into your back garden. The good news is it's trimmed your hedges beautifully.
I sell double glazing door to door. I have to carry a sample everywhere with me. Which is a real pain
Celebrity fact. Much is known about the great Diana Dors but not so much is known about her sister Erin. Except she never went out much....
I hate it when i'm singing along to a song on the radio
and the artist gets the lyrics wrong
This fella said to me today: “Are those thick lens glasses you're wearing?”
I said: “No, they're mine”.
My mate’s asked me to do his hair for a Rastafarian party he’s going to later.
I’m dreading it...
My wife is always trying to put me down…
But that's just one of the hazards of being married to a vet.
I stood in my garden early yesterday morning wondering where the sun had gone
Then it dawned on me.
Spent most of the day in the hospital lift as i was told to keep my foot elevated …
I was in London today and this fella stops and asks me: "Excuse me mate, how do I get to Paddington?"
I said: "Steal his marmalade sandwiches, that should work."
Ever day I take my pet cow for a walk in the vineyard. Actually, I heard it through the grapevine.
I am fed up with people moaning about electric cars.i have a Ferrari and a Porschre,they are cheap to run and service.
There is only one problem,when you push them very hard through corners they tend to spin off and get stuck underneath the settee
You don't need a parachute to go skydiving - unless you want to do it twice.....
The Germans have started making hotdog sausages from seagull meat. They've taken a tern for the wurst.
My Family motto - "Never put off 'till tomorrow what you can put off 'till someone else does it".
I had to give up my job playing the Triangle in a local Reggae Band.
It was just one ting after another.
To be fair, Henry VIII's wives did approach him a bit disrespectfully. His second wife used to just amble in.
So I asked the missus what she wanted for her birthday, she said, A divorce! I said Oh! I didn't want to spend that much !
Did you know that Owls can turn there heads up to 360 degrees? That is even hottest than my oven gets, wow lol
Quit being the Circus's Contortionist, as fed up with bending over backwards to please people day in and day out!
My wife has left me, due to my obsession with jigsaws.
Who’s going to help me pick up the pieces?
Went to the doctors??, he said "hi Phil, not seen you for ages"?, I said" i know, I've been ill
Del Boy says to Rodney, "OK Rodders, we're going to learn how to make hats. This time next year we'll be milliners!"
Couldn't decide whether to get duck eggs or hens, I thought well it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other
Tom Hanks flies into the UK to make a new film and to watch his beloved Aston Villa .
At the end of the game he looks exhausted and he heads to his hotel and hits the pillow . On the subject of the movie he is doing Sleepless in Solihull .
I was asked why I wanted my Uncle Mick to be with me if I was stranded on a desert island, I said "'Cos he's got a boat!"
Not saying my dog's clever, but I shouted "Heel!" and he took my shoes to Timpsons.
My uncle in the army has survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks. He's a seasoned veteran
I always make sure to say "mucho" around my Spanish friends.
It means a lot to them.
I said to my wife, "remember when we were walking in the forest and suddenly got separated", she replied "sorry you've lost me".
When we christened our daughter, the vicar had a terrible cold but we’ve grown to love the name Natasha
A security alarm shop had a sign up on the door saying"Closed due to recent burglary"
Our Librarian died yesterday, he was a lovely guy so all us kids went down and held a minutes Noise!
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