Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?
Other
I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”
Anyone have a better one-liner they love?
(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)
I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.
Insomnia is just awful! On the plus side, there's only three more sleeps until Christmas.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays - I told him it must be my weekend immune system.
My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.
Bread is a lot like the sun - it always rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.
I was surprised when my girlfriend told me she wanted to go to Switzerland to see The Monkees tribute band. Then I saw her face ...... now I'm in Geneva.
My partner asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list and now I can't ready anything!
My young daughter has lined up all her dolls towards the outdoor grill, looks like we're gonna have a Barbie queue.
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way...I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me afterall.
davewalsh126 Thanks for this - I will include this in this afternoon's broadcast!
My wife screamed "You haven't listened to a single thing I've said, have you?".
Wow! What a weird way to start a conversation!
I sat down to a game of chess with Arnold Schwarzenegger and the first thing he says to me?
"I'll be Black".
Yesterday, I saw someone waving but wasn't sure whether they were waving to me or someone behind me.
In other news, I was fired from my Lifeguard job.
sunny101 Thanks for this - I will include this in this morning's broadcast!
I checked myself in to the Hokey Cokey Clinic and I turned myself around.
I'd love to be self-sufficient and grow my own food but I just can't find bacon seeds.
Don't share your secrets in the garden - the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk.
"I've just cleared out some space in the freezer" sounds so much better than " I've just polished off another tub of Ben & Jerry's"
jjs1985 Thanks for this - I will include this in this morning's broadcast!
What did our parents do to kill the boredom before the internet. I asked my 10 siblings and they didn't know either.
You haven't experienced true heartbreak until you've been thinking about leftovers all day and you come home to find someone has eaten them.
Two mysterious people live in my house - Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who.
I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling so that's all I need to know about that.
I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.
Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here
When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.
A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres
A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here
I keep sending Christmas cards to the band members of S club 7 but they keep being returned with the message not known at this address.
I wish they wouldn't keep on moving.
Don't you just hate it when you try to make a protein shake but you accidentally make a margarita.
I've been told that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I've finished a bag of Maltesers and a chocolate cake and I feel better already.
You know when you're getting old when it feels like the morning after.......but there was no night before!
Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.
There once was a man who fell down a well. Turns out he couldn't see that well.
sunny101 Thanks for this - I will include this in this afternoon's broadcast!
Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they would fall in the boat 
My mate tells Dad jokes all the time, even though he isn't a Dad. He's a faux pa.
I recently taught my pet wolf to meditate - now he's changed to aware wolf.
I had a game of quiet tennis today. It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.
What does a tapeworm have in common with the Eiffel Tower? They're both Paris sites.
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