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  2. Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

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I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:

🐕 “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

🚗 “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”

Anyone have a better one-liner they love?

(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)

Kelsey
Kelsey
Founder
9 months ago
What do you think of this?
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

I asked my wife to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

I hate spelling errors. You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

Insomnia is just awful! On the plus side, there's only three more sleeps until Christmas.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays - I told him it must be my weekend immune system.

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1
Johnny
Johnny
LD Hunter
a week ago

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

Bread is a lot like the sun - it always rises in the yeast and sets in the waist.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

I was surprised when my girlfriend told me she wanted to go to Switzerland to see The Monkees tribute band. Then I saw her face ...... now I'm in Geneva.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a week ago

My partner asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list and now I can't ready anything!

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sunny101
sunny101a week ago

My young daughter has lined up all her dolls towards the outdoor grill, looks like we're gonna have a Barbie queue.

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1
davewalsh126
davewalsh1266 days ago

As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way...I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me afterall.

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3
miaclare19
miaclare19
LD Team
12 hours ago

davewalsh126 Thanks for this - I will include this in this afternoon's broadcast!

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1
sunny101
sunny1016 days ago

My wife screamed "You haven't listened to a single thing I've said, have you?".

Wow! What a weird way to start a conversation!

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1
sunny101
sunny1016 days ago

I sat down to a game of chess with Arnold Schwarzenegger and the first thing he says to me?

"I'll be Black".

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1
sunny101
sunny1016 days ago

Yesterday, I saw someone waving but wasn't sure whether they were waving to me or someone behind me.

In other news, I was fired from my Lifeguard job.

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1
sunny101
sunny1016 days ago

I lost my partner's audiobook and now I'll never hear the end of it!

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2
miaclare19
miaclare19
LD Team
2 days ago

sunny101 Thanks for this - I will include this in this morning's broadcast!

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1
sunny101
sunny1015 days ago

I checked myself in to the Hokey Cokey Clinic and I turned myself around.

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1
sunny101
sunny1015 days ago

I'd love to be self-sufficient and grow my own food but I just can't find bacon seeds.

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1
sunny101
sunny1015 days ago

Don't share your secrets in the garden - the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears and the beanstalk.

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1
sunny101
sunny1015 days ago

I always learn from my mistakes.....from the people who took my advice.

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1
sunny101
sunny1015 days ago

"I've just cleared out some space in the freezer" sounds so much better than " I've just polished off another tub of Ben & Jerry's"

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1
jjs1985
jjs19854 days ago

I’m reading a book on the history of glue, can’t put it down

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2
miaclare19
miaclare19
LD Team
17 hours ago

jjs1985 Thanks for this - I will include this in this morning's broadcast!

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1
sunny101
sunny1013 days ago

What did our parents do to kill the boredom before the internet. I asked my 10 siblings and they didn't know either.

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2
sunny101
sunny1013 days ago

You haven't experienced true heartbreak until you've been thinking about leftovers all day and you come home to find someone has eaten them.

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1
sunny101
sunny1013 days ago

Two mysterious people live in my house - Somebody and Nobody. Somebody did it and Nobody knows who.

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1
sunny101
sunny1013 days ago

I've never seen anyone jogging and smiling so that's all I need to know about that.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

Communist jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He’s a small arms dealer.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

Four fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Hey! We don’t want your type in here

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2
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

If you don’t pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

When the cannibal showed up late to the buffet, they gave him the cold shoulder.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

A Mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of three. He says, ‘Uno, dos…” and poof! He disappeared without a tres

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

A ghost walked into a bar and ordered a shot of vodka. The bartender said, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

A blind man walked into a bar… and a table… and a chair…

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

I went to a seafood disco last week, but ended up pulling a mussel.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots3 days ago

Whiteboards are remarkable

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1
stuartsmith544
stuartsmith5442 days ago

I keep sending Christmas cards to the band members of S club 7 but they keep being returned with the message not known at this address.

I wish they wouldn't keep on moving.

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sunny101
sunny1012 days ago

Don't you just hate it when you try to make a protein shake but you accidentally make a margarita.

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sunny101
sunny1012 days ago

I've been told that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish what I start. So far, I've finished a bag of Maltesers and a chocolate cake and I feel better already.

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sunny101
sunny1012 days ago

You know when you're getting old when it feels like the morning after.......but there was no night before!

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sunny101
sunny1012 days ago

Unfortunately, my obese parrot just died but it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

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1
sunny101
sunny1012 days ago

There once was a man who fell down a well. Turns out he couldn't see that well.

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1
miaclare19
miaclare19
LD Team
2 days ago

sunny101 Thanks for this - I will include this in this afternoon's broadcast!

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1
SaveMeSunday
SaveMeSunday18 hours ago

Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? Because if they fell forwards they would fall in the boat 😂

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sunny101
sunny10111 hours ago

Did you hear about the big Lego sale? People were lined up for blocks.

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sunny101
sunny10111 hours ago

My mate tells Dad jokes all the time, even though he isn't a Dad. He's a faux pa.

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sunny101
sunny10111 hours ago

I recently taught my pet wolf to meditate - now he's changed to aware wolf.

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sunny101
sunny10111 hours ago

I had a game of quiet tennis today. It's just like regular tennis but without the racket.

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sunny101
sunny10111 hours ago

What does a tapeworm have in common with the Eiffel Tower? They're both Paris sites.

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