Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?
Other
I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”
Anyone have a better one-liner they love?
(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)
I took the kids up to London yesterday,we wanted to go on the London Eye but it was closed. When I asked why?they told me it was on the Blink!
Is it true an apple a day keeps the doctor away ?
Or is it just one of Granny's myths ?
Looking for a winner in the Grand National? Put your money on Landfill - don't blame me if it's a rubbish tip! 
Fell asleep in the chair yesterday but when I awoke I realised someone had put a teabag in my mouth..I hate being taken for a mug.
It’s incredible that I never noticed my moustache growing. It was going on right under my nose…
I'd like to point out that I've just won 'Bricklayer of the Year' for the fifth year running.
I think this cements my position as the No.1.
My son asked can I have a book Mark, I was upset he still doesn’t know my name is Al
This fella just offered me a free gate.
I said: "What's the catch?"
He said: "It's the bit that allows it to open and close but that's not important right now..."
I spotted Eddie "The Eagle" Edwards going into our Post Office this morning, wearing goggles and ski's.
I think he's trying to jump the queue again.
Thieves are being sentenced today for hiding stolen goods in and around Stonehenge, in a Landmark Case.
I've just heard that someone in Coronation Street has become a champion limbo dancer. Her name is Tracy Bar Low
I have just been on a course "how to make a loud noise using a long whip only". It was cracking!
There was the time I was playing snooker with a mate of mine. It came to his shot and it was a difficult one to reach. He put a bag of coins and placed his cue on it. I asked him what he was doing? He replied. " Change is as good as a rest."
They said I was wrong to use glue in the Armoury, but I'm 'sticking to my guns' !
The Roman Emperor, upon first venturing north to colder climes, was perplexed by ice falling from the sky. “What’s that!” He asked his adviser, to which he received the immortal response: “Hail, caesar…”
I'm campaigning for a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I'm campaigning for a world without plagiarism. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I just saw this fella running down the road with a cape on...
I shouted: "Are you a Superhero...?"
He said: "No, I haven't paid for my haircut...!!!"
An unnamed weatherman has reacted angrily to being sacked because he always gives cold gloomy forecasts. No more mist & ice guy
I used to have a lot of arguments with my bank manager, but then i decided to consolidate all my rants into one simple monthly outburst!
"So I went to the music shop, and I asked the bloke have you got anything by the doors? he said a bucket of sand and a fire blanket".
Just got a pirate copy of that Bohemian Rhapsody film. Must have been recorded in a cinema, every few minutes I see a little silhouette of a man.
A man went into a butchers shop and said "can I have a pound of wasps?" The butcher replied
"we don't sell wasps"
The man said "well you've got them in the window "
I did a one 180 in the library to find a book about seagulls. It was about tern.
Watching the Bermuda Philharmonic Orchestra last night…
Suddenly the guy on triangle
disappeared ! 
I was recently asked to name one of the best things about Switzerland.
I said the flags always been a big plus.
I've just bought a 1920s - 1930s stylish clock with hands like little lizards
it's Art Gecko
I know I have to tread carefully here, but I'm getting very tyred of car jokes.
We've had a clutch of them but now I'm exhausted and it's time to have a brake.
I ordered some pork luncheon meat online, but my order email never came thru! Should've checked my spam folder?
I saw a shoplifter stealing 5 bars of soap, 2 bottles of washing up liquid and 3 boxes of laundry detergent.
He made a clean getaway
A friend of mine said that he wanted to improve his golf.
I suggested that he should go on a course...
I was getting into my car this morning, and this fella says to me: "Can you give me a lift?"
I said: "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'" 
I asked the man in the shop "Have you got any Bulldog clips?"
He replied "No, but I've got a nice video of a Jack Russell"..
My uncle has just moved to Arabia to make his fortune as a successful diary farmer. He’s hoping to become their first milk sheikh.
Major announcements.
The World Hide and Seek Champion has been found dead in a wardrobe
“I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. I thought: ‘This could be interesting.”
I opened a bottle of red wine earlier to let it breath, couldn’t hear it breathing so gave it the kiss of life!!
Thought I could make money being run over by a steam engine; but I just ended up flat broke…
I've never owned a dog before. I asked a breeder if he can give me any pointers
A pirate tied me to one of his casks and asked me to join his crew. I couldn't refuse, he had me over a barrel.
I swapped my dad's soap for a steak and put gravy in his shampoo bottle.
He'd always wanted to experience a meteor shower
This chicken said to me: “I can’t find my eggs!”
I said: “You’ve probably mislaid them“.
Visited doctots with stomach pain
The doctor said
“I cant see anything wrong, might be too much drinking”
I said never mind-
I will come back when youre sober
What would you get if you crossed an electric eel with a sponge?.. A shock absorber!!!
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