1. Chat

Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

Other

I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:

🐕 “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

🚗 “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”

Anyone have a better one-liner they love?

(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)

Kelsey
Kelsey
Founder
over a year ago
What do you think of this?+20 points
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flynny39

Your ass must be jealous of your face coz u talk so much pap

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Reply11
TheChimp

What is ET short for? Because he has little legs.

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Reply11
jjs1985

TheChimp What does E.T stand for? Because there are no chairs

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Reply3
Kitty10

TheChimp I don't get it.

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Reply3
TheChimp

Kitty10 Have you seen the film?

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Kitty10

TheChimp yes x

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davidstockport

My wife and I decided we didn't want any children... we're telling them tonight at dinner! 😀 😀 😀 Image

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Reply22
MelissaLee1

Love this one David.

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Reply5
davidstockport

MelissaLee1963 Thanks... I wanted to be a comedian but was afraid people would laugh at me.😀

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Reply18
MelissaLee1

davidstockport You're sharp enough to cut yourself sometimes lol.

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Reply8
mp34575

davidstockport never give up.

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Reply3
mso

This one made me giggle 🤣🤣🤣@davidstockport, I have never heard that one before.

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kate1310
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Mick82

John travolta was rushed to hospital doctors though he had COVID turns out it was just Saturday night fever

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Reply16
lilyflower

Stevie Nicks apparently turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner. She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks

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Reply19
ginge8369mc

lilyflower absolutely brilliant. I've been chuckling for 5 minutes

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beccatavender

Mine is " Dr how do you cure water on the brain, a tap on the head" I crack up everytime I hear it. I think it's because it was the 1st joke that was an actual joke my son told me when he was about 5.

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Reply11
Mick82

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity it’s impossible to put down

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miaclare19
LD Team

Thank you - I will use this in this mornings broadcast!

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Reply1
PrettyPrincess

Mick82 I like it! 😅

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stevea808

It's raining cats and dog out there.

I just stepped in a poodle. 🤣

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Reply12
emmabeckz
LD Team

Thank you stevea808 I will use this in the first broadcast today so look out for it!

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Reply2
stevea808

emmabeckz Thank you.glad you liked it. 😆

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Reply2
DB28026

stevea808 haha

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tumblespots

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles

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Reply10
MrsPacker

I recently went to the funeral of the inventor of the crossword puzzle. He was buried 6 down and four across.

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Tom
Founder

Thank you, I will include this in our broadcast tonight!

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Reply2
tumblespots

I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch

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Reply7
miaclare19
LD Team

Thank you - I will use this in this afternoon's broadcast!

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Reply2
dawarwick

One armed waiters. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.

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Reply10
kate1310
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dawarwick

I went on a ballooning holiday once. I put on two stone.

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Tom
Founder

Thank you I'm going to use this in the newsletter today

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kate1310
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dawarwick

I bet the inventor of bread was really annoyed that the person who first thought of slicing it gets all the credit.

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tumblespots

What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

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emmabeckz
LD Team

Thank you for this tumblespots we will use this in our broadcast around 5pm so look out for it!

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tumblespots

emmabeckz No problem

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sunny101

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

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Reply8
miaclare19
LD Team

Thank you - I will use this in this morning's broadcast!

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Reply1
TiaTia

I popped to the shops to buy some camouflage trousers but couldn't find any.

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Reply6
TiaTia

I find that Whiteboards are remarkable.

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Reply7
miaclare19
LD Team

Thanks - I have used this in this morning's broadcast!

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sunny101

The police have just rang to inform me that they’ve recovered my stolen sofa.

That was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty.

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Reply11
tumblespots

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa

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Reply13
kate1310
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sunny101

The 30th August sheep dog trials will only allow certain dog breeds to enter,

as it’s a ‘ban collie day’.

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Reply10
davidstockport

Nice one sunny101 it reminded me of an old one:

At the Republic of Ireland sheep dog trials... three dogs were found guilty 😀

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Reply9
sunny101

davidstockport 😄 I have a friend who drives me insane with his one-liners! He is worse than Tim Vine.

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Reply5
janphoenix51

sunny101 .....Come back Tim Vine & Katie Wicks...Not Going Out isn't the same without you at this rate I WILL be going out!! x

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Reply5
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