Humorous Quote for the Day.
Other
I can't be absolutely certain that these quotes were by the person they are attributed to, but who really cares.
I'll start day one with two, if you've got any please add them?
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America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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The only reason they say 'Women and children first' is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
~ Jean Kerr
You didn't mention who supposedly said it - but if anyone wants to know it was probably me.(and many others).
“I’m guilt-ridden about introducing her to Paul McCartney. It was a moment of Cupid madness which cost Sir Paul $50 million, so the least I can do is ban her from the show.”
Mr Morgan commenting on banning Heather Mills from his show, Piers Morgan Tonight.
Thanks reminded me of one of my own quotes when talking about Paul: "He was very unlucky in marriage. . . his first wife died and his second one wouldn't!"
I'm not good-looking. I used to be but not any more. Not like Robert Taylor. What I have got is I have character in my face. it's taken an awful lot of late nights and drinking to put it there. When I go to work in a picture, I say, 'Don't take the lines out of my face. Leave them there.'
By Humphrey Bogart
I make no apology for going to, in my opinion, the master of the witty/humorous quote.....Oscar Wilde. I especially like the second one.
"To lose one parent may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness."
"I am not young enough to know everything."
"Always forgive your enemies -- nothing annoys them so much."
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go."
I also especially like the "I am not young enough to know everything." one.
The last one reminds me of the one "He can brighten any room just by leaving it".~ anon
Lynibis I liked it so much I decided to extend it: I am not young enough to know everything. . . I'm not female either.
TUESDAY
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.
~ Emo Philips.
I have actually kicked and punched a few computers in my time (when they were no longer working and I wanted to destroy them as a result), but they didn't make any attempt at kicking or punching me back. So I can certainly relate to that quote. 
RegularComper90 My first rule for when trying to fix anything on a computer is to open the window first, it saves having to call a glazier after you've thrown the damn thing through it. 
I find television very educating, every time someone turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book. - Groucho Marx
Nice one sunny101 I could almost hear Groucho saying it 
I also liked your Alan Dundes quote that follows this
Keep them coming
This is one of my faves. “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” - Alan Dundes
Wednesday:
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
~ Desmond Tutu
I've always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives. - Billy Connolly 
Thursday:
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
~ John Glenn
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.
George Orwell
Friday:
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.
~ Prince Philip
He also said to a Scottish driving instructor, 1999: “How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to pass the test?”
Saturday:
Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million.
~ Arnold Schwarzenegger.
“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” - Albert Einstein
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