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PART 2 - General Chit Chat and 'Smile' of the Day :)

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The second round of lockdown

In a few days it will begin

So before you all start to frown

Here’s something to make you grin.

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..." πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

lilyflower
3 months ago
What do you think of this?
Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Loislane I'm so sorry. I'm here if you want to talk about it x

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Dani1 thanks hun I'll be OK x

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Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Loislane take care ❀️

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Dani1 thanks you too im just going sleep hugs babe xπŸ’—

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1
Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Loislane sleep well and see you soon ❀️

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Lynibis Ann1984 Dani1 Caz2 Loislane MrsCraig Good Tuesday morning, nice and sunny in the NE again. πŸ™‚

A young man was hired by a supermarket and reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, then gave him a brush and said, "Right young man, your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a university graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I'll show you how to use it."

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Dani1
Dani13 months ago

πŸ˜πŸ˜‚ I hope everyone is keeping well x

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Haha lol πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Morning hun and all x πŸ˜€πŸ’—x

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2
Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Good evening everyone 😍

Paul goes to the Hairdressers with only 3 hairs on his head, the Hairdresser says what style would you like Paul replied could I have a trim then one combed to the left, one to the right and one straight back, so the Hairdresser trimmed all three then combed one to the left one to the right .and the third one came out, sorry said the hairdresser but you only have 2 hairs left what shall I do, Paul looked and said one to the left and one to the right, so the Hairdresser combed one to the left and one to the right which came out, oh dear said the Hairdresser you only have one hair left Paul looked and said Oh leave it casual

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

The daily weather forecast for the NE is clear blue sky, bright sun and it's mild πŸ™‚ unfortunately it's shopping day as it is Wednesday 😞

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's key in the door. "Stay where you are," she said. "He's so drunk he won't even notice you're in bed with me." Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed. He turned to his wife: "Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What's going on?" "Nonsense," said the wife. "You're so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there." The husband climbed out of bed and counted. "One, two, three, four. You're right, you know."

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Lol x πŸ˜‚ thanks as always for your great posts x πŸ’—

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Loislane something to give a smile, hope your day hasn't been to unkind

One night a man walked into a pub looking really forlorn. The barman asked him what he would like to drink, to which he replied β€œOh, just give me a beer, please – any beer will do”. The barman then enquired, β€œWhat’s wrong? Why are you looking so down today?”

The man said, β€œMy wife and I got into a dreadful fight and she swore that she wouldn’t say a word to me for a whole month”. The barman said, β€œI still don’t see why you are looking quite so depressed”?

The man replied, β€œThe month’s up tonight.”

Image Image

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Haha love it πŸ˜‚I've been OK just kept myself busy doing comps and going on Twitter lol x I'm strong I'll get through all the crap haha xπŸ’—

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Good morning, Loislane Lynibis MrsCraig Dani1 Ann1984 gosh I'm late it's afternoon, but I got chatting about flour, egg, stars etc. Here's todays smile

A jumbo jet was coming into London Heathrow after a long-haul trip. The captain came on the intercom and said, "Ladies and gentlemen we are now on final approach into Heathrow. We hope you've enjoyed flying with Rarely Crash Airways and that we'll see you again soon. Please have a safe onward journey" - at which point he forgot to turn the intercom off.

He turned to the co-pilot and said, "Well Roger, what plans do you have for the rest of the day?" The co-pilot replied "My wife will be at the hotel, Mike, and she's got seats booked for some West-End show or other. What plans do you have?"

The cabin crew and passengers are quite enjoying this change from the norm.

The captain continued, "As you know my divorce was finalised last week so I'll be taking a long soak in the bath before ordering dinner in my hotel room. I'm thinking that, after that, I'll call the pretty new blonde cabin crew member working upstairs - Susanne I think her name is. I'll take her out for a drink and dinner - then back to my room for a night full of fun, games and romance."

Hearing that. the passengers cheered loudly. On the upper deck, poor Susanne realised that the intercom had been left on by accident and that she had to get downstairs quickly to let them know before anything else untoward was said. When she reached the main cabin, she ran up the aisle and tripped headlong over an old lady's handbag which was sticking out from under her seat.

The old lady looked down at the spread-eagled young woman and said, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he's going to have a bath first!"

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2
Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Hi lilyflower and everyone 😍 Love that one. Thank you for tagging me. I hope you all and your families are well x

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig3 months ago

I remember my dad sending me this last year, still as funny!

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

MrsCraig I've got lots, kindly sent by my sister. Try this one

A farmer was passing his field of cattle when an earthquake hit. All the cows immediately fell over, but the bull just staggered and remained standing.

Once the quake was over the farmer asked the bull how he had stayed on his feet.

"Ah," said the bull, "you see, we bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."

People who get this will be showing their age!

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Haha omg I love it lol x I was missing you lovely lilyflower hope your well big hug πŸ’—πŸŒžx

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1
lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Good morning Loislane Lynibis Ann1984 MrsCraig Dani1 it's bright and sunny and I'm raring to go, can't go out so that'll have to be to the kitchen. Here's the smile - Hope all are keeping well πŸ™‚

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the doctors.

'Doctor, I don't feel too good,' said the little Paper bag.

'Hmm, you look OK to me,' said the Doctor, 'but I'll do a blood test and see what that shows,

Come back and see me in a couple of days.'

The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

β€˜What's wrong with me?' asked the little paper bag.

'I'm afraid you are HIV positive!' said the doctor.

'No, I can't be - I'm just a little paper bag!' Said the little paper bag.

'Have you been having unprotected sex?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Well have you been sharing needles with other Intravenous drug users?' asked the doctor.

'NO, I can't do things like that - I'm just a little paper bag!'

'Perhaps you've been abroad recently and required a Jab or a blood transfusion? β€˜queried the doctor.'

NO, I don't have a passport - I'm just a little paper bag!

''Well', said the doctor, 'are you in a homosexual Relationship?''

NO! I told you I can't do things like that, I'm just a little paper bag!

''Then there can be only one explanation.' said the doctor

SCROLL DOWN

This is good - wait for it .... .... .... ...... ....

'Your mother must have been a carrier'

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Thanks hun πŸ˜€hope you are well too xx πŸ’—

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Dani1
Dani13 months ago

Good morning lilyflower and everyone 😍

A college student was lucky to find decent, cheap accommodation in a block of flats. After a few days, his new friends came to visit him and he was showing them around. "This is the kitchen. This is the bedroom. And this one is the living room ... "

"And what are this hammer and this metal pot hanging on the wall for? What are you going to do with them?" one of his friends asked him. "It’s a talking clock" he replied. "I have never seen a clock like that,” was the response, β€œcan you show me how it works?"

"Sure, look," the student said. He took the hammer and struck at the pot with all his strength. Then a voice was heard from the other side of the wall yelling, "What on earth are you doing? Are you crazy? It is half past one in the morning, you idiot!"

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Dani1 How are you, keeping safe? I think you are getting these from the same supply as my sister or do you know her, lol, poor you πŸ™‚

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Dani1
Dani13 months ago

lilyflower Hi, I'm doing well, thank you. How is everything with you? x You never know, it's a small world lol 😍 laughing at the poor you part πŸ˜‚

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Dani1 You would know if you knew her, (very opinionated, always right and has to have the last word). She sends me jokes, which I pass on and 'life advice' which I ignore and we rub along but we do live 70 mile apart πŸ™‚ πŸ™‚

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Dani1
Dani13 months ago

lilyflower I know a few people like that, I let it go in one ear and out the other too πŸ˜‰ Really laughing about 70 miles apart, I've sisters and a brother nearby lol Love the jokes and it's great that you get on . I hope you're keeping well ❀️

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Yeah it's the weekend, really it is, not that the days are any different. It's sunny but cool, that might keep some in doors πŸ™‚ Loislane Lynibis Dani1 Ann1984 MrsCraig todays offering -

An elderly couple were out for a walk in the countryside and the man turned to his wife and said β€œDo you remember the first time we came here? She turned slowly to him and replied β€œOf course I do. This was the place where we first made love all those years ago. The man looked all around and with a glint in his eye suggested β€œthere’s no-one about, why don’t we make love here again, right behind the hedge where we can’t be seen, just like when we were young”. The wife was a bit wary but agreed to his request. Sometime later they both re-appeared from behind the hedge and the wife said β€œWow, that was even better than all those years ago, what was the difference for you? The man finally getting his breath back replied β€œThere wasn’t an electric fence here before!”

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Haha love itπŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚thanks hun xx

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Morning Loislane Lynibis Dani1 MrsCraig Ann1984 It's slightly overcast and cool but as we can't go out does it matter. Enjoy πŸ™‚

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car." The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair.”

β€œI agree,” said the father. "But did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

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Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

Thanks hun lol x its sunny and hot here I'll send you some sun and a hug πŸ˜€πŸ’—x

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Just for Lynibis

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the

council worker "10" replies the Essex girl "10???" says the council worker..

"What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have

to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they

all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames."

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Lynibis
Lynibis3 months ago

Absolute cracker! I must admit when I first started contact work I supervised 4 families, 3 mothers who had 9 kids and 1 who had 10.

A colleague, prior to lockdown, was transporting a boy who had 30 siblings!!!!

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Afternoon folks, Loislane Lynibis MrsCraig Ann1984 Dani1 bit late today - couldn't decide which 'smile' to post, sis has sent so many.

Three sons had left home. Each had followed their own path and each had prospered. At one of their annual reunions, they discussed the gifts they had been able to give to their elderly mother the previous year.

The first son said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a stretch Mercedes Benz with a chauffeur." The third smiled and said, "I've beaten both of you. You remember how Mum enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well any more? I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took church elders 5 years to teach it. It's one of a kind. Mum just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot will recite it."

Soon after, the mother sent out her letters of thanks: "Milton," she wrote to the first son, "the house you built is huge. I live in only three rooms, but I have to clean the whole house."

"Gerald," she wrote to the second: "I am too old and frail to travel much any more. My eyesight isn't what it used to be. I stay at home most of the time, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!"

"Dearest Donald," she wrote to her third son, "you have the good sense to know just what your mother really likes………………………………............................................................................................. the chicken was delicious!"

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig3 months ago

πŸ˜‚ brilliant! Not quite as sunny here today. My husband has been cooking and has made homemade soda farls and potato bread. He is currently making a fry, looking forward to it.

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Lynibis
Lynibis3 months ago

That's great, I laughed out loud at that one and the two above.

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

MrsCraig Enjoy, I always think food tastes better when someone else had made it even if it's no better than you can make πŸ™‚

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Lynibis Good I'm pleased you are enjoying them. I was a bit unsure about the Essex one not being pc, a few of the others I won't dare post. πŸ™‚

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Lynibis
Lynibis3 months ago

lilyflower if we took away all the things that are supposedly pc these days there would be nothing to laugh about lol. Whether we like it or not there are definitely stereotypes and I think anything is up for a tease as long as it is not spiteful or downright nasty. I would love to know the others lol, but not if it will bring you grief!

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig3 months ago

lilyflower I agree, food always tastes better when someone else has made it. It was absolutely delicious! My son decided to steal the bacon off my plate, he absolutely loves bacon and apparently one bit wasn't enough!

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Ann1984
Ann19843 months ago

lilyflower another good one I too would like to read the other ones no pc police in this chat topic. if one joins they can just scroll on

reply A if you would like to read

reply B if you think she shouldn’t πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Lynibis Ann1984

Do you know why white chocolate was invented?

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Ann1984
Ann19843 months ago

lilyflower am guessing it’s not what google says πŸ˜‚

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Ann1984so non white people knew when they had a dirty face

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1
Ann1984
Ann19843 months ago
Like
Lynibis
Lynibis3 months ago
Like
Loislane
Loislane3 months ago

lilyflower always love hearing from you as funny as always and I prefer food when others cooked too lol stay amazing hugs x πŸ’–

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
3 months ago

Sis just sent this and I'm sending it to Golfforall and everybody else

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while playing on the National Forests Golf Courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not to startle the bears unexpectedly.

They also advise you to carry pepper spray in the case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity.

Golfers should be able to recognise the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course.

Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur.

Grizzly bear droppings have bells, golf-gloves and sunglasses in them and smell like pepper spray.

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Golfforall
Golfforall3 months ago

I take all those precautions all the time . Some pretty thick woods around our course !

And you should see the size of the rabbits ! Can't be too careful- they have big teeth !!

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Ceebers
Ceebers
Mentor
3 months ago

An oldie but a goodie. My partner general does a lot of the cooking these days. I am more of a sous chef and dishwasher stacker. I know my station in life. Never complain, never explain. Xx

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Morning Loislane Lynibis Ann1984 MrsCraig Dani1 from a cool and dull NE, OH is making breakfast and just set smoke alarm off, probably burnt toast again lol. Here's the smile of the day

I got bored being shut in at home so I decided to go out for some fresh air. While I was wandering around I saw a horse. I thought to myself, it's been years since I've been on one so I decided to have a ride. After a bit of a struggle I managed to get on the horse and off I went.

It started out slowly at first, but started getting faster. Before I knew it, the horse was going at top speed. Not being used to the motion, I fell off onto my bum, however, while doing so, I got my foot caught. The horse, oblivious, just kept on going. It just wouldn't stop.

Thankfully one of the security guards came along; saw me lying there and unplugged the machine. He added insult to injury by pointing to the sign, "5 and under", then banned me from the shopping centre.

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

πŸ˜‚ excellent! It isn't as warm here today, but my son has been in the garden today and he was fascinated by a dog outside our fence. He is currently eating some toast whilst walking down the hallway, very easily amused.

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1
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