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PART 2 - General Chit Chat and 'Smile' of the Day :)

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The second round of lockdown

In a few days it will begin

So before you all start to frown

Here’s something to make you grin.

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: "Our food has arrived! Let's eat!" His wife reminded him: "Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!" Her husband replied: "That's at home, my dear. Here the chef knows how to cook..." 🙂 🙂 🙂

lilyflower
4 months ago
What do you think of this?
Dani1
Dani12 months ago

MrsCraig Thanks so much, I couldn't help myself today! Ah I know not long now at all now, I'm hoping he or she will share my birthday ☺️ I'll have a muck around with it later as unsure about the comps especially lol Thanks for offering to help if needed, really kind. You're very welcome, he's a gorgeous, courageous little boy. I hope you're having a lovely day. Hugs you all 💖x

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

Dani1 my son was born 2 days before my birthday! I spent my 28th birthday in the hospital with him and the midwives and nurses kept wishing me happy birthday, giving me hugs, my mother in law bought a cake etc I actually forgot it was my birthday! We went for a walk this morning and had a tantrum because we had to come home as it started raining heavily! He was not impressed! Hope you're having a good day x

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

MrsCraig Sorry for my late reply. That's so lovely about them wishing you a Happy Birthday and having a birthday cake whilst there. Ah I can imagine forgetting it was your birthday for sure. I hope he's doing well, was it raining there again today? Hope you're all having a lovely evening 💖x

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

Dani1 he is doing brilliantly, absolutely thriving! Rain in the morning then glorious sunshine in the afternoon! Was very strange x

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

MrsCraig that's wonderful to hear about him x Hopefully you'll have lots of sunshine around today 💖

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Loislane I have a feeling you may need this Image

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Always love a lilyflower hug means a lot that I'm liksd 😀x

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Oh TheChimp where art thou, thought you were going to have a joke fight. Hope you aren't ill.

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

lilyflower Good morning 🌞

Had a day off yesterday. Back to it today.

Hope everyone is well.

Image

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

For you lilyflower 💖x Image

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

morning Loislane MrsCraig pleased to see TheChimp back. Rain again, keeps them in but I do have to go for M in L's bread as her baker has opened. Have a smile 🙂 or two 🙂

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then asked, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Oh dear 😂😂lol funny though have a great day hun x

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

😂 another excellent one! We have rain too. My son was not impressed when it started raining as he had to come in from his walk! Luckily his nursery rhymes stopped him having too much of a tantrum!

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

Good afternoon everyone, have a gorgeous day 😍x

A dog walks into a butcher shop with a purse strapped around his neck. He walks up to the meat case and calmly sits there until it's his turn to be helped. A man, who was already in the butcher shop, finished his purchase and noticed the dog. The butcher leaned over the counter and asked the dog what it wanted today. The dog put its paw on the glass case in front of the ground beef, and the butcher said, "How many pounds?"The dog barked twice, so the butcher made a package of two pounds ground beef.
He then said, "Anything else?"
The dog pointed to the pork chops, and the butcher said, "How many?"
The dog barked four times, and the butcher made up a package of four pork chops.
The dog then walked around behind the counter, so the butcher could get at the purse. The butcher took out the appropriate amount of money and tied two packages of meat around the dog's neck. The man, who had been watching all of this, decided to follow the dog. It walked for several blocks and then walked up to a house and began to scratch at the door to be let in. As the owner opened the door, the man said to the owner, "That's a really smart dog you have there."
The owner said, "He's not really all that smart. This is the second time this week he forgot his key."


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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Morning all. Today is 6 June, D-Day Image and was my wedding day, we'll remember the first and forget the second.

The vicar of a Protestant parish and the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road were seen together erecting a sign which read:

"THE END IS NEAR. TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells "Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."

From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, the priest said: "That's the third one this morning."

"Indeed", the vicar agreed, then added: "Do you think maybe the sign should just say ......

"BRIDGE CLOSED"?

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

lilyflower Good evening, as it is now.

Hope everyone is ok.

West Wales has been very grim today ☹️

I once had a job painting white lines on the road and the boss called me in within the week.

He said 'You've done 5 miles the 1st day, 3 the 2nd, and only 1 on the 3rd. What's going on?'

I told him 'Well, I'm getting further away from the tin.'

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

TheChimp Ha Ha, sounds more Irish than Welsh! Today would not have been a good day to visit Wales if it was grim. Wales is on my to do list 🙂

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

lilyflower Everyone is welcome here after this crappy virus is over.

Local GP said to my Dad yesterday that cases were very low compared to the rest of the country, but if there's a second peak, which will probably happen in the autumn/winter, it's going to be a lot worse with us because we haven't been exposed to it.

Unsettling times, to be honest.

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

TheChimp my daughter has said the same as your GP, it will be back , even more work for her. As I've never been to Wales, the recommendations are?

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

Just try and stay away from the hotspots.

Places like Tenby are great, but they are hectic.

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

Some excellent ones, especially like the dog in the butchers, my dog would have it eaten before she got home! Been a mixed day here, really wet and windy this morning then this afternoon was sunny and warm! My son has started to stand next to the gate in our garden and it is his way of telling me he wants to go for a walk!

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Loislane where are thee, sis has just sent this - 🙂

Well, COVID-19 pandemic has finally affected me financially. In order to offset the extra cost for food, electricity, etc..... I’m needing to make some extra money on the side.

Soooooooo....I am now proud (and a little embarrassed 😜) to announce that I am selling adult toys. I hope no one is too shy to ask for them. I have all kinds, sizes and styles according to your needs 😉

Discretion is guaranteed!! I am willing and able to demonstrate any items for you via pictures or video.

I have everything listed below.

-Zimmer frames

-Wheelchairs

-Oxygen tanks

-Canes

-Disposable nappies

-Denture fixative

and more!

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Sadly I am not so great today and wishing Superman would take me far far away 😍💖wooshhhhhhh x

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago
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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

lilyflower thanks babe xx 💖

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

Loislane I hope you're are ok xx

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Dani1 not really huni but thanks babe xx

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

I'm sorry to hear that Loislane Sending a huge hug x

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Dani1 thanks babe xx 💖

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

Loislane send me a message on twitter anytime you want to talk xx

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Dani1 OK hun you too xx

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago
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JoTarpley
JoTarpley2 months ago

Loislane Sending you some ((((HUGS)))) hope you are feeling a bit better now, we are all here for you! xx

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

I hope everyone's having a lovely evening x 💖

Image

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago
Image
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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Morning Loislane TheChimp MrsCraig Dani1 JoTarpley Cold and wet in NE. Smile of the day 🙂

Alex walks in to Buck's Bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits down, Buck, the barman, comes over and takes their order.

Alex says, 'I'll have a beer,' and turns to the ostrich. 'What's yours?' I'll have a beer also,' replies the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says, 'That will be £4.60 please.' Alex reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the barman 'Well, it's close to last orders, so I'll have a large scotch,' says Alex.

'Same for me,' says the ostrich.

'That will be £6.45,' says Buck. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?'

'Well,' answers Alex genially , 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' retorts the Buck, warming to the subject. 'Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live.'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' comments Alex.

The barman then asks, 'One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?'

Alex replies,

'Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs!'

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

lilyflower Very good 😆

Good morning to everyone.

I don't have a joke, but I do have a fact for you........

Did you know that the word 'gullible' was taken out of the English dictionary back in 2018?

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JoTarpley
JoTarpley2 months ago

Loved that one lilyflower , it made me chuckle out loud which I certainly need on here at the moment!! xx

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

Excellent! We've just got back from our walk and we saw our friend today so they waved at each other through the window and then social distances outside with us on the path and his friend in his garden. It was lovely to see them and to catch up!

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Dani1
Dani12 months ago

Morning lilyflower and everyone. I hope you're all keeping safe and well and have a lovely day 😍 xLove that one Image

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

After the day I've had certain points are very apt, do you agree JoTarpley

12 Commandments for seniors

1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.

2 - "In Style" are the clothes that still fit.

3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop p***ing you off.

4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.

5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, "I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it."

6 - "On time" is when you get there.

7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid - but it sure does muffle the sound.

8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.

10 - Growing old should have taken longer.

11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.

12 - You still haven't learned to act your age, and hope you never will.

And one more: "One for the road" means peeing before you leave the house.

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

lilyflower love this hun hope you OK sorry wasn't about I've not slept well so was catching up on sleep zzzzz 💖x

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JoTarpley
JoTarpley2 months ago

That's really good lilyflower , love that one!! x

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

Good morning all, hope you're all well on another day of lockdown 🙂

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

The woman stalks off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!”

The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Morning everyone. What's new this week? We can go out a little bit more but if arriving in the country have to stay in for 14 days! TheChimp very funny 🤣 Smile of the day 🙂

Scotsman Englishman and Irishman go for a job on a building site,

Englishman goes into the office and the Foreman says “Give me a sentence with the word ‘great’ in it”

Englishman stands there for a few seconds and says “I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great”. "Got the job" says the Foreman send the next one in. He goes out and tells the Scotsman to go in and say ‘I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great’.

He goes in and the Foreman says “Give me a sentence with the word ‘great’ in it” the Scotsman stands there for a few seconds and says “I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great”. "Got the job" says the Foreman send the next one in. He goes out and tells the Irishman to go in and say ‘I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great’.

So Paddy goes in and the Foreman says “give me a sentence with the word ‘fascinate’ in it”.

Paddy stands there for a few minutes and says "I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great". The foreman says “I asked the other two that, now if you want the job I want a sentence with the word ‘fascinate’ in”, so Paddy stands there for a few minutes and says “I`ve got a donkey jacket and I think it`s great it`s got nine buttons but I can only fasten eight”

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lilyflower
lilyflower
Original Poster
2 months ago

Morning Loislane Lynibis MrsCraig TheChimp Dani1 JoTarpley and everyone else who reads, it's a warm and sunny day in the NE. Apologies if some of the words in the smile of the day get censored, I've posted as I got it 🙂

"Medical experts were asked if it is time to ease the lockdown.

Allergists were in favour of scratching it, but Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but Neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

Obstetricians felt certain everyone was labouring under a misconception, while Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Many Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while Paediatrician said, "Oh, grow up!"

Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and pharmacists claimed it would be a bitter pill to swallow.

Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter."

Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but Urologists were p***** off at the whole idea.

Anaesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty

Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the a*******.s"

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JoTarpley
JoTarpley2 months ago

OMG lilyflower I'm crying with laughter, that is absolutely brilliant!! 🤣 🤣 🤣 x

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 months ago

Brilliant! So clever! We have had dealings with a few of the professions mentioned in this list!

It isn't as cold here today, just about to go for our walk.

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Loislane
Loislane2 months ago

Love it morning all 💖x

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 months ago

Morning lilyflower et al

Was really nice here early morning, but has gone cloudy now ☹️

Doc, I can’t stop singing the ‘Green Green Grass of Home‘.

He said: ‘That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome’.

‘Is it common?’I asked. ‘It’s not unusual’ he replied.

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