The Joke Thread
A thread for posting any jokes you might know, or have found on the World Wide Web to cheer people up.
Just remember to not put any dirty jokes.
I don't take any credit for the jokes that I have submitted. They're what I have found on the internet, most of which come from a Twitter feed which has jokes sent in and I have posted here for people's entertainment.
My father brought me up single-handedly.
It's not easy being the son of a pirate.
Sent with my Aye phone.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.
I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.
Pink Panthers to do list:
To do, to do, to do
To do, to doooo
People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice..
Unfortunately it’s not my choice.
Just heard a large cat has escaped from London Zoo?
I nearly Puma pants.
What do you call a man and a woman going fishing ?
Rod and Annette.
My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.
Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.
"Tell me one of your weaknesses"
I can be very stubborn
"Will you please elaborate?"
A little bit about myself...
My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.
My mate just rang me and said, "What are you doing at the moment?"
I said, "Probably failing my driving test."
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.
It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire
I don't always tell dad jokes...
But when I do, he laughs.
Did you hear about the athlete who tested positive for viagra?
He tripped over during the 100m sprint and won gold in the pole vault.
Last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.
19 and 20 had a fight. 21.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.
Last night I watched a documentary on a guy who worked 60 hours a week crushing coke cans.
It was soda pressing.
What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?
This is what happens when you fly with Far Least Airlines. Or am I just deaf ?
"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on bore Fright GH623. We are froth in-line for tak-off and ex-spec to be in the air shorty.
We werry sorry for delay. The mashin that tears handles off sloot-cases has bloken down, and now being done manly.
Please fasten your sit-bell at this time, and secor all baggage underneath your sit. Underwear?!
If you feeling uncomforble, you pobably sitting on your sit-bell.
We also ass that your sits and table tays are in upright polition for take off. Smoking is pohibited for the donation of this fright. If court, you will be fine, and subject to in piss on men.
If you wish to smoke, please go out-sigh. If you can light it, smoke it can, OK. Film today is Gone with the Win.
We will be dinning the cabin lights shorty. Pushing the butt on with picture of light bub, will turn the light bub on; but pushing the butt on with picture of the fright at-ten-ten, will not turn the fright at-ten-ten on.
Please take minute to look at the exit closet to you. Your nearest exit may bee bee-shine you. Shud the cabin experien sudden peso loss, stay calm. Lissen for in-stuck-ons from cabin coo. Oxylen masks will dop down from above your sit. Place the mask over your muff an nose.
If you travelling with chill den, make sewer your own mask on first, then help your chill den. If you have more one chill den, now is good time to dee-side, which one most po-pencil for maintain your retire-men.
In the unlucky even of an emergency land ding and evacoo-ation, please lift your carry-on items bee shine you. Life wests are located under your sits, and emma gents see lighting will lid you to your closet exit, and side.
If water landing, your sit cushion will serve as your fotation de-lice. Side your arms through the straps, and paddle-paddle. After paddle-paddle to safey, you can kip your sit cushion as gift from Far Least Airlines.
Ladies and Gentlemen, when we lan, please be careful with overhead con- par men. Not allow tings fall on your head. As you no, shift happens.
Thank you for frying Far Least Airlines, we no you have a choice of airline. Act-cooly no you don't, we only one frying this route".
Good to see Latestdeals's "keep it clean" thingy works well! Johnny "****"
What's blue and smells like red paint?
I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board.
I thought, I'll give it a go.
I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... I yelled, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"
Both of them ran away.
A customer was buying condoms at work today.
I asked if he'd like a bag?
He said, "No, she's not that ugly!"
I know a bloke who’s addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time!
My Bucket list:
Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!!
It was from Uncle Ben!
How does Moses make his tea?
I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.
There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.
Push and pull.
What do you call a man with no shins?
If I was a plastic surgeon...
I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.
Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
Some people have difficulties sleeping...
but I can do it with my eyes closed.
7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40
I used to be addicted to eating soap.
But I'm clean now.
If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...
Then my illegal logging business is a success!
Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please"
Barman says "Bell's alright?"
Quasi says "Mind your own business".
I met the guy that invented window sills..
What a ledge.
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of Clingfilm.
The shrink says
"Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"
The 21st century:
Where deleting history is more important than making it.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the telly.
Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.
My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing!...
He caught all sorts!!
They recently found a mummy in Egypt, covered in chocolate and nuts.
Apparently it’s Pharaoh Rocher.
This morning at work my boss told me to "have a great day"
So I went to the pub.