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The Joke Thread

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A thread for posting any jokes you might know, or have found on the World Wide Web to cheer people up.

Just remember to not put any dirty jokes.

I don't take any credit for the jokes that I have submitted. They're what I have found on the internet, most of which come from a Twitter feed which has jokes sent in and I have posted here for people's entertainment.

What do you think of this?
SteveMate7 months ago

My father brought me up single-handedly.

It's not easy being the son of a pirate.

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HolidayPirate7 months ago

The cheek!

Sent with my Aye phone.

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SteveMate7 months ago

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

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areasimon51a month ago

Very good

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SteveMate7 months ago

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.

Jammy Dodger.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Pink Panthers to do list:

To do

To do

To do, to do, to do

To do, to doooo

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SteveMate7 months ago

People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice..

Unfortunately it’s not my choice.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Just heard a large cat has escaped from London Zoo?

I nearly Puma pants.

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Dread7 months ago

What do you call a man and a woman going fishing ?

Rod and Annette.

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SteveMate7 months ago

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

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SteveMate7 months ago

[job interview]

"Tell me one of your weaknesses"

I can be very stubborn

"Will you please elaborate?"

No.

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SteveMate7 months ago

A little bit about myself...

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

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SteveMate7 months ago

My mate just rang me and said, "What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

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SteveMate7 months ago

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

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SteveMate7 months ago

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire

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SteveMate7 months ago

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

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nemosays7 months ago

LoL... :joy::joy::clap:

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SteveMate7 months ago

Did you hear about the athlete who tested positive for viagra?

He tripped over during the 100m sprint and won gold in the pole vault.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

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SteveMate7 months ago

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

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Tom7 months ago

:thumbsup_tone3:

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SteveMate7 months ago

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It's true.

After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Last night I watched a documentary on a guy who worked 60 hours a week crushing coke cans.

It was soda pressing.

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SteveMate7 months ago

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette.

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Johnny7 months ago

This is what happens when you fly with Far Least Airlines. Or am I just deaf ?

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on bore Fright GH623. We are froth in-line for tak-off and ex-spec to be in the air shorty.

We werry sorry for delay. The mashin that tears handles off sloot-cases has bloken down, and now being done manly.

Please fasten your sit-bell at this time, and secor all baggage underneath your sit. Underwear?!

If you feeling uncomforble, you pobably sitting on your sit-bell.

We also ass that your sits and table tays are in upright polition for take off. Smoking is pohibited for the donation of this fright. If court, you will be fine, and subject to in piss on men.

If you wish to smoke, please go out-sigh. If you can light it, smoke it can, OK. Film today is Gone with the Win.

We will be dinning the cabin lights shorty. Pushing the butt on with picture of light bub, will turn the light bub on; but pushing the butt on with picture of the fright at-ten-ten, will not turn the fright at-ten-ten on.

Please take minute to look at the exit closet to you. Your nearest exit may bee bee-shine you. Shud the cabin experien sudden peso loss, stay calm. Lissen for in-stuck-ons from cabin coo. Oxylen masks will dop down from above your sit. Place the mask over your muff an nose.

If you travelling with chill den, make sewer your own mask on first, then help your chill den. If you have more one chill den, now is good time to dee-side, which one most po-pencil for maintain your retire-men.

In the unlucky even of an emergency land ding and evacoo-ation, please lift your carry-on items bee shine you. Life wests are located under your sits, and emma gents see lighting will lid you to your closet exit, and side.

If water landing, your sit cushion will serve as your fotation de-lice. Side your arms through the straps, and paddle-paddle. After paddle-paddle to safey, you can kip your sit cushion as gift from Far Least Airlines.

Ladies and Gentlemen, when we lan, please be careful with overhead con- par men. Not allow tings fall on your head. As you no, shift happens.

Thank you for frying Far Least Airlines, we no you have a choice of airline. Act-cooly no you don't, we only one frying this route".

====

Good to see Latestdeals's "keep it clean" thingy works well! Johnny "****"

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SteveMate7 months ago

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

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SteveMate7 months ago

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board.

I thought, I'll give it a go.

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SteveMate7 months ago

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... I yelled, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"

Both of them ran away.

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SteveMate7 months ago

A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag?

He said, "No, she's not that ugly!"

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SteveMate7 months ago

I know a bloke who’s addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time!

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SteveMate7 months ago

My Bucket list:

1) Bucket

2) Ice

3) Beer

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SteveMate7 months ago

Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!!

It was from Uncle Ben!

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SteveMate7 months ago

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.

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SteveMate7 months ago

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.

Push and pull.

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SteveMate7 months ago

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

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SteveMate7 months ago

If I was a plastic surgeon...

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!

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SteveMate7 months ago

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Breaking News!

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

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SteveMate7 months ago

I used to be addicted to eating soap.

But I'm clean now.

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SteveMate7 months ago

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

Then my illegal logging business is a success!

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SteveMate7 months ago

Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please"

Barman says "Bell's alright?"

Quasi says "Mind your own business".

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SteveMate7 months ago

I met the guy that invented window sills..

What a ledge.

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SteveMate7 months ago

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of Clingfilm.

The shrink says

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

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SteveMate7 months ago

The 21st century:

Where deleting history is more important than making it.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

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SteveMate7 months ago

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3? Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

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SteveMate7 months ago

My mate used liquorice as bait when he went fishing!...

He caught all sorts!!

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SteveMate7 months ago

They recently found a mummy in Egypt, covered in chocolate and nuts.

Apparently it’s Pharaoh Rocher.

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SteveMate7 months ago

This morning at work my boss told me to "have a great day"

So I went to the pub.

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