1. Chat

The Joke Thread

Other

A thread for posting any jokes you might know or have found on the World Wide Web to cheer people up.

Just remember not to write any dirty jokes.

I don't take any credit for the jokes that I have submitted. They're what I have found on the internet, plus a joke book that I purchased, and I have posted them here for people's entertainment.

Username26756
over a year ago
What do you think of this?+20 points
Advertisement
Username26756

My father brought me up single-handedly.

It's not easy being the son of a pirate.

Like
Reply2
HolidayPirate

The cheek!

Sent with my Aye phone.

Like
Reply3
Username26756

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.

The zoo keeper told me it was bread in captivity.

Like
Reply4
areasimon51

Very good

Like
Reply1
Username26756

I threw a biscuit at my neighbour the other day, but he ducked.

Jammy Dodger.

Like
Reply3
Username26756

Pink Panthers to do list:

To do

To do

To do, to do, to do

To do, to doooo

Like
Reply2
jooj87

Haha

Like
Reply
Username26756

People always ask me why I’m single. I’m single by choice..

Unfortunately it’s not my choice.

Like
Reply2
jooj87

Haha

Like
Reply
tumblespots

They use that one in The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel!

Like
Reply
Username26756

Just heard a large cat has escaped from London Zoo?

I nearly Puma pants.

Like
Reply2
Dread

What do you call a man and a woman going fishing ?

Rod and Annette.

Like
Reply1
jooj87

Haha

Like
Reply
Username26756

My girlfriend hates it when I sneak up on her.

Also the police say I should stop referring to her as my girlfriend.

Like
Reply4
Username26756

[job interview]

"Tell me one of your weaknesses"

I can be very stubborn

"Will you please elaborate?"

No.

Like
Reply3
Username26756

A little bit about myself...

My hobbies include working out, staying fit, eating healthy, and lying.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

My mate just rang me and said, "What are you doing at the moment?"

I said, "Probably failing my driving test."

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.

Like
Reply2
Username26756

The computers were down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards to play solitaire

Like
Reply2
Username26756

I don't always tell dad jokes...

But when I do, he laughs.

Like
Reply1
nemosays

LoL... 😂😂👏

Like
Reply
Username26756

Did you hear about the athlete who tested positive for viagra?

He tripped over during the 100m sprint and won gold in the pole vault.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

19 and 20 had a fight. 21.

Like
Reply1
Tom
Founder
👍🏽
Like
Reply
Username26756

I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.

It's true.

After going to the gym earlier I've decided I'm never going again.

Like
Reply2
Username26756

Last night I watched a documentary on a guy who worked 60 hours a week crushing coke cans.

It was soda pressing.

Like
Reply
Username26756

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette.

Like
Reply1
Johnny

This is what happens when you fly with Far Least Airlines. Or am I just deaf ?

"Ladies and gentlemen, welcome on bore Fright GH623. We are froth in-line for tak-off and ex-spec to be in the air shorty.

We werry sorry for delay. The mashin that tears handles off sloot-cases has bloken down, and now being done manly.

Please fasten your sit-bell at this time, and secor all baggage underneath your sit. Underwear?!

If you feeling uncomforble, you pobably sitting on your sit-bell.

We also ass that your sits and table tays are in upright polition for take off. Smoking is pohibited for the donation of this fright. If court, you will be fine, and subject to in piss on men.

If you wish to smoke, please go out-sigh. If you can light it, smoke it can, OK. Film today is Gone with the Win.

We will be dinning the cabin lights shorty. Pushing the butt on with picture of light bub, will turn the light bub on; but pushing the butt on with picture of the fright at-ten-ten, will not turn the fright at-ten-ten on.

Please take minute to look at the exit closet to you. Your nearest exit may bee bee-shine you. Shud the cabin experien sudden peso loss, stay calm. Lissen for in-stuck-ons from cabin coo. Oxylen masks will dop down from above your sit. Place the mask over your muff an nose.

If you travelling with chill den, make sewer your own mask on first, then help your chill den. If you have more one chill den, now is good time to dee-side, which one most po-pencil for maintain your retire-men.

In the unlucky even of an emergency land ding and evacoo-ation, please lift your carry-on items bee shine you. Life wests are located under your sits, and emma gents see lighting will lid you to your closet exit, and side.

If water landing, your sit cushion will serve as your fotation de-lice. Side your arms through the straps, and paddle-paddle. After paddle-paddle to safey, you can kip your sit cushion as gift from Far Least Airlines.

Ladies and Gentlemen, when we lan, please be careful with overhead con- par men. Not allow tings fall on your head. As you no, shift happens.

Thank you for frying Far Least Airlines, we no you have a choice of airline. Act-cooly no you don't, we only one frying this route".

====

Good to see Latestdeals's "keep it clean" thingy works well! Johnny "****"

Like
Reply1
Username26756

What's blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board.

I thought, I'll give it a go.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

I saw two blind dudes fighting the other day... I yelled, "I'm rooting for the one with the knife!"

Both of them ran away.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

A customer was buying condoms at work today.

I asked if he'd like a bag?

He said, "No, she's not that ugly!"

Like
Reply1
Username26756

I know a bloke who’s addicted to brake fluid.

He says he can stop any time!

Like
Reply1
Username26756

My Bucket list:

1) Bucket

2) Ice

3) Beer

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Just got a birthday card, opened it and rice went everywhere!!

It was from Uncle Ben!

Like
Reply1
Username26756

How does Moses make his tea?

Hebrews it.

I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

There are two words in life that will open a lot of doors for people.

Push and pull.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

What do you call a man with no shins?

Tony.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

If I was a plastic surgeon...

I would 100% put a squeaky toy in every breast implant.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Some guy just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.

How dairy!

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Some people have difficulties sleeping...

but I can do it with my eyes closed.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Breaking News!

7 wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40

Like
Reply1
Username26756

I used to be addicted to eating soap.

But I'm clean now.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

If a tree falls in the forest and nobody hears it...

Then my illegal logging business is a success!

Like
Reply1
Username26756

Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please"

Barman says "Bell's alright?"

Quasi says "Mind your own business".

Like
Reply2
Username26756

I met the guy that invented window sills..

What a ledge.

Like
Reply1
Username26756

A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing shorts made of Clingfilm.

The shrink says

"Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

Like
Reply1
Username26756

The 21st century:

Where deleting history is more important than making it.

Like
Reply
Username26756

Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.

Luckily I was the one facing the telly.

Like
Reply1
One of the UK's largest deal hunting communities

Join for free to get genuine deals, money saving advice and help from our friendly community

Tom Church
Co-Founder &
Chief Bargain Hunter
Tom Church, Co-Founder
Want deals & discounts automatically?
+100 bonus points!
Latest Deals Browser Extension
Latest Deals Mobile App
  • Download our app
  • 1,000+ new deals every day
  • Earn free Amazon vouchers
  • Daily deal alerts - never miss the best offers!
  • Download the Latest Deals iOS AppDownload the Latest Deals Android App
Latest Deals
Disclaimer

The content on Latest Deals is a combination of information submitted by members of the public and the Latest Deals team. Whilst we make every effort to try and ensure genuine, accurate content we cannot guarantee it. Please always carry out your own due diligence and double check the details of an offer on the retailer's own website.

How this site works
  • To cover the site's running costs, Latest Deals uses affiliate links.
  • If you click on a link to an external website and make a purchase, Latest Deals may earn a commission.
  • We allow deals to be shared on Latest Deals irrelevant of whether or not they generate us money. Our #1 concern is helping you save money.
  • If you have any questions about how the site works, drop us a message. We're always happy to help.
Copyright © 2024 Latest Deals Limited
Registered in England and Wales. Company number 10286141. WeWork 6th Floor, International House, 1 St Katherine's Way, E1W 1UN
We value your privacy

We use cookies to help give you the best experience on our website with improved customisation, analytics & advertising (inc. personalisation). You can read our full cookie policy. Please either , or .