Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?
Other
I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:
“As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”
“Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”
Anyone have a better one-liner they love?
(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)
The Germans have started making hotdog sausages from seagull meat. They've taken a tern for the wurst.
My Family motto - "Never put off 'till tomorrow what you can put off 'till someone else does it".
I had to give up my job playing the Triangle in a local Reggae Band.
It was just one ting after another.
To be fair, Henry VIII's wives did approach him a bit disrespectfully. His second wife used to just amble in.
So I asked the missus what she wanted for her birthday, she said, A divorce! I said Oh! I didn't want to spend that much !
Did you know that Owls can turn there heads up to 360 degrees? That is even hottest than my oven gets, wow lol
Quit being the Circus's Contortionist, as fed up with bending over backwards to please people day in and day out!
My wife has left me, due to my obsession with jigsaws.
Who’s going to help me pick up the pieces?
Went to the doctors??, he said "hi Phil, not seen you for ages"?, I said" i know, I've been ill
Del Boy says to Rodney, "OK Rodders, we're going to learn how to make hats. This time next year we'll be milliners!"
Couldn't decide whether to get duck eggs or hens, I thought well it's 6 of one and half a dozen of the other
Tom Hanks flies into the UK to make a new film and to watch his beloved Aston Villa .
At the end of the game he looks exhausted and he heads to his hotel and hits the pillow . On the subject of the movie he is doing Sleepless in Solihull .
I was asked why I wanted my Uncle Mick to be with me if I was stranded on a desert island, I said "'Cos he's got a boat!"
My uncle in the army has survived mustard gas and pepper spray attacks. He's a seasoned veteran
I said to my wife, "remember when we were walking in the forest and suddenly got separated", she replied "sorry you've lost me".
When we christened our daughter, the vicar had a terrible cold but we’ve grown to love the name Natasha
Our Librarian died yesterday, he was a lovely guy so all us kids went down and held a minutes Noise!
I went into a record shop & said 'have you got anything by the doors' and the assistant said 'a bucket of sand & 2 fire blankets'
So I said to the shop assistant, "Can I have a pair of tights for my wife, please"
She said " Sheer?"
I said " No she's at home ".
My grandmother knitted me a pair of mittens. She asked me if they fitted. I said yes, like a glove.
I am currently stuck at an auction, bidding for a house with a lengthy corridor.
I'm in it for the long hall.
I was once invited to go and watch U2 perform on a rooftop, though I refused because it would give me real bad vertigo
Gandalf lost his job as an exam marker for the Mordor Exam Board as every paper came back with the same comment , None shall pass.
Breaking news a tanker of milk, has crashed into central reservation and spilled its contents on the M25.
Police are asking drivers not to cry ...
We have just been spring cleaning the kitchen and threw out some 10 year old OXO cubes . In such situations it's important to take stock.
I think I've used my mobile phone too much. - Just double tapped some text in a book expecting it ro enlarge!
I remember going fishing with Meat Loaf and he caught 15 soles and four devil fish. He must have got his bait out of hell.....
My wife left me because I'm so insecure ....oh wait she's back she just went to make a cup of tea
I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre yesterday. It might not have been him though, he had his back to the fuchsia
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