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Me and my partner has decided to call it a day after 14 years and honestly I'm ok with it just worried about my kids but him on the other hand is acting like he's hard done by and making me feel guilty is this normal

Leannexxx
2 weeks ago
What do you think of this?+20 points
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martinlufc5637

I guess if you have called it a day, he's blaming you for the break up?? If it doesn't work it doesn't work, good luck to you

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Leannexxx

martinlufc5637 yes he definitely blames me he wants to work it out but I don't anymore to much has happened I'm trying to make it easier on him but I guess that's not working

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martinlufc5637

Leannexxx my oldest daughter is going through a similar thing, he keeps phoning and texting her, he blames her too, not the fact he's a bum

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Leannexxx

martinlufc5637 I wouldn't say my is a bum he's a fantastic dad and would do anything for them just as a couple we don't work

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PaulineRapier

martinlufc5637 best thing she could do is block him on her phone plus any social media connections.

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jms19

Leannexxx it can be tough to accept it’s over, especially after 14 years, but you aren’t feeling like you want to continue then he has to accept that.

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Fatabelly

It’s pretty normal for some men to be reduced to a childlike state when a relationship breaks down.

Some men will turn into bas***ds who make your life hell, and some will turn into children who can’t do anything for themselves. They will live like pigs and will make you wary of sending your kids to see them.

Saying that, sometimes the woman is the complete bitch, and makes everything difficult for the man. She uses the kids as ammunition to get to the man, and can make him seeing the kids as awkward as possible. Not to mention she will expect the man to give her more and more money….saying “it’s for the kids” but will really spend the money on herself.

Every situation is different and every person is different.

As long as you do right by each other and put the kids first, a relationship breakdown can be the best thing for everyone.

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Leannexxx

Fatabelly well hopefully it won't happen with us coz all I want is for him to have a relationship with his kids as he's a fantastic dad

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Fatabelly

Leannexxx that’s good to hear. Good Dads are a rare breed these days.

Hope everything works out for you all. It’s not going to be easy to start with, but as long as you both keep it civil and don’t mess the kids around, all should be well.

All the best luvvy, and good luck.

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Leannexxx

Fatabelly thanks civil is the only issue at the moment coz he needs to find somewhere to live

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Fatabelly

Leannexxx well let’s hope it’s somewhere decent and somewhere safe for the kids.

I once knew one bloke who moved into a dirty bedsit shared with another bloke. Not the kind of place that any kids could visit let alone stay over.

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chele44

Leannexxx sometimes it’s hard to keep it civil especially when he keeps blaming you for the break up. I went through something similar with my ex. He also was an amazing dad but when he realised we weren’t getting back together he tried to blackmail me by saying if he couldn’t have me he didn’t want the kids. That really hurt but what hurt me and the kids more he moved to England where he’d some family (I live in Northern Ireland) and now after 28yrs he wants to move back here. Grandkids are delighted and can’t wait to see more of him but his kids are completely over him. He did stay in contact with them, ringing every wk etc but they only seen him 2 wks out of the yr and just lost respect for him. I’ve always told them how amazing a dad he was but they find that hard when for last 28yrs they haven’t seen any sign of that. Hopefully he’ll get place locally and kids will maintain a good relationship with him. Best bit is my ex phones me everyday and we’ve great friendship

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Fatabelly

chele44 wow that’s so bad moving so far away. No wonder your kids washed their hands of him.

I know where I’d rather live though between England and Northern Ireland! Northern Ireland is so beautiful and amazing, and would much rather live there than here in England.

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Leannexxx

chele44 it's not gone that far yet just him keeps saying that I'm gonna make it difficult for him to see he kids I'd never do that and I've told him we could go court if he wants and put in all in writing he's now saying why should I have the kids staying with me why I can't I move out I'm the one who broke up with him and the kids stay with him sorry but that's not happening

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Leannexxx

Fatabelly oh he won't go to any shared accommodation or take the kids if it's not safe

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Fatabelly

Leannexxx oooh no it should definitely be him that moves out.

Call me old fashioned but I believe kids should live with their mum in their home. Because it’s not just a house, it’s their home and where they feel safe.

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chele44

Leannexxx just try to keep staying civil and try not to use kids as a gambling tool between you both. It’s hard for both of you, if he thinks he’s only 1 hard done by. It’s hard for you to keep the balance right, to make sure the kids are ok and also to keep yourself ok. At minute you’re ok with the breakup but when he does move out and you’re doing everything by yourself and the kids start blaming you for not seeing daddy everyday etc. Make sure you look after yourself and have good friends around you

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Leannexxx

Fatabelly well that's what I think it's gonna get nasty really quick I can feel it

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Leannexxx

chele44 I've done everything myself for the last 12 years coz he was working and I have told anyone that we have broken up yet coz I don't wanna hear people talking bad about him

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janphoenix51

Fatabelly ...Northern Ireland IS better than some of England. My partner's brother moved back home to Portadown from where he had lived in Sheffield for most of his life he could leave his car unlocked in a public car park, his Sheffield born niece who moved over had a shed with a freezer full of food in her garden & she told me that no one touched it...x

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PaulineRapier

When I split with my ex husband after 23yrs of marriage which was so hard for me. It broke my heart having to take my 3 children away from our once happy home. He cheated on me ex amount of times. After my instincts came true I couldn't be with him. He told me he loved me.

Love to me is caring, honesty being there for each other through anything. I just couldn't be with him saying he loved me yet he could destroy everything we had worked for.

I lost everything including our home that we had bought.

Through everything he blamed me and said I was the one cheating.i could never have done what he did.I lost all our friends too.

Take time for yourself plan your future with your children, try put the past behind you. I can't lie there will be bad times but the good times will eventually come ❤️

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Leannexxx

PaulineRapier I hope so he's now saying why should he have to go

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PaulineRapier

Leannexxx stand by your guns and tell him straight. If it's not working don't give in just to make him happy. Stay strong he'll give up at some point. Think of you and your children. They still have there dad if they need him

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Leannexxx

PaulineRapier he's now saying he's not leaving his kids ffs

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chele44

Leannexxx just tell him he’s not leaving the kids, it’s you and him that are splitting up and he can see his kids at anytime. He needs to understand you’re doing what’s best for you all as a family. Tell him you want to stay friends but the relationship as it was is over and you don’t want the kids seeing both of you arguing etc and you are afraid that’s what will happen. Good luck with it all. Let’s hope he realises you’re only doing what is best for you all as a family

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Leannexxx

chele44 I'm playing him at his own game killing him with kindness and it's working

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Lynibis

PaulineRapier This proves my point that both men and women can be awful when it comes to break ups. My ex moved to Australia with new wife leaving me unable keep the home going and forced into selling on advice from solicitor as I was told it would not be viable to take him to court for maintenance etc. There are very rarely winners in these cases but I have heard of women who get the home and shortly after a new man moves in to the home the ex has paid for. In this equality age imagine that situation reversed!

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MrsCraig

Sorry to hear you have split up. If you just don't work as a couple then it is best for everyone.

Yes it is perfectly normal for one partner to blame the other when you break up.

I have no doubt that you will do what is best for your kids.

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hspexy

Sometimes it’s just time to let go. It obviously affects people differently but if you know it’s the right decision, then go for it

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Lynibis

I have been very open on here in a previous topic about my abusive ex and our break up. However, in spite of this I still have a lot of sympathy for men when this happens. Of course men feel hard done by. They are the ones who, mostly, now have to leave their home, pay for kids they will only get to see by pre-arrangement, find the money to not only support those kids but rent different accommodation and basically lose all the comforts of domestic life.

Having said all that I know (as in my case) that MANY men are total Aholes and bring this situation upon themselves, but women can be just as bad. Men need to adapt to the marital/living together state and women need to learn how to help them do it as it is more natural, even in this woke age, for women. Communication when kids in bed, with a glass of wine and music can work wonders. Each saying what they are unhappy with, not using the YOU word or piling blame, but so many are unable to do this and often it doesn't work, nor is it always the solution, some people are just bad.

I certainly do not agree with the post saying to block him on phone. This is a man who has shared 14 years and fathered child(ren), not some 3 date nobody that is being too pushy.

It is rarely a one sided situation and except for cases of abuse (there are apparently 7 kinds) there is usually fault on both sides.

Obviously I don't know you in person Leanne, so please do not take my comment as being directed to you......it is a general observation made after 70 years of life and 3 broken relationships. Those who are happy in their relationships are in the minority and I hope they realise just how lucky they are.

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Leannexxx

Lynibis oh I don't I know I've played a part in this relationship my issue is that for 14 years he's done nothing but be jealous, possessive accusing me of cheating he hates the fact I go out ( to my dad's) by the way and it just all got to me a month ago me and the kids went to a wedding for my friend it was only small group he was invited too and when I phoned him I was outside on my own till my friends husband and my dad came out but he's got it in his head that I was outside with a man and in all honesty I can't do it anymore there is no trust I've tried for years to get it but it's always been the same I can't live my life like that anymore

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Lynibis

Leannexxx that is one of the forms of abuse I believe. Anyone would cave in under that sort of possessiveness. He has had time to amend his behaviour over the years, get counselling or whatever it took if he didn't want to split. He should have learned to keep his mouth shut by now, without incontrovertible proof. If he really wanted to save the relationship he would have done something by now but blaming you is the easy way to excuse his own behaviour.

I just worry that when he goes he may begin to constantly harass you trying to find proof so he can garner sympathy from everyone.

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Leannexxx

Lynibis well he's already got his mother being funny with me and to be honest I haven't told anyone anything just what I've put on here and even now I've not come to this decision on my own I'm seeing someone in his head but in fact I've never cheated on him or messaged any other man apart from family so if he wants to look he can look but he won't find anything i stayed in the relationship for my kids to be honest because what love was left he lost that just chipping away at me over the years I knew there was red flags but I was already pregnant at that time and I wanted what I had a family together

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telmel

Leannexxx L, so sorry to hear you are going through this

You seem a very nice person that wears her heart on her sleeve

Not knowing you or your partner i would be reluctant to offer any advice , but would it be worth going to see a relationship counsellor ?

It might not solve the overall problem but sometimes it helps people to realise what is actually happening in their relationship and see if it is repairable, and even if not , it could help defuse the situation before getting out of hand , especially with kids involved

You already have the inlaws interfering , this is normal as people start to take sides and want to defend their own , so to speak

If outsiders see you are making an effort to sort this out in an amicable way , they won't interfere so much , and even if you have made up your mind about the outcome a counsellor will be able to diffuse any anger that comes up

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Leannexxx

telmel thanks telmel but no I'm done

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telmel

Good luck with everything L

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IonaJones

I totally understand where you are coming from Leanne. There is a point in the relationship when a lightbulb moment comes on and you think I’m done. That’s how it was for me after 19 years and like you I was being accused of all sorts when reality those accusations were impossible for me to do. But the reality was he was the one doing all the things he was accusing me of! That’s what they call a controller they like to control your emotions, life and character to the point you don’t even recognise yourself or know what is normal. They make you believe it’s your fault to the point you think it is. Emotional abuse is just as bad as any other form of abuse. After we split up and i’ll be honest it will be hard for a few months as your adjusting to a life with you there 24/7 and one thing I struggled with was the financial side as I reduced my hours to be at home for my son so he didn’t have to. But once I sat down looked at everything things wasn’t that bad at all. Now 15 years on I’m independent, financially stable and in a better place than I’ve ever been. Plus when you look back you realise you did this for the children as my son always tells me I never remember you guys fighting! For this his relationship with his dad is okay not perfect as his father hasn’t been the best role models. However it’s not because of me as I’ve never tarnished his name it’s the way he has been in his relationships since and there has been a few!!

Anyway do what best for you as they say a happy mum means happy children as they will ajust as children are far more resilient that we give them credit. 😘

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Leannexxx

IonaJones honestly don't know why he's like that he's never cheated on me as I know anyway I'm passing caring to be honest I just want to focus on my kids

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IonaJones

Leannexxx yes best thing you can do is put yourself and you’re children first and only you can decide where the next step is for you and the children. But like I said there comes a point enough is enough and no one should feel they should stay together for the sake of it. Good luck Leanne xx

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Lynibis

IonaJones you are right. If a split is as amicable as possible so the children aren't deprived of a parent (unless they are abused) they will grow up better grounded than if you stayed together without love.

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Fitchet
Why do you silly people who make commitments not have the balls to see it through you obviously did not know what love was in the first place there is a lot more to love than infatuation and being led on because someone admires you it takes a long time to find a lifetime partner an you two obviously got it wrong, breaking up is the easy way out and I would lay money on it that you and your partner will do the same thing over and over again. My wife and I have been married 51 years and still see each other as we did in our teens bcause if we have a
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Leannexxx

Fitchet excuse me from what you have said you have no idea what I'm going through by making the decision I have made

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Lynibis

Fitchet I really don't want to offend you but as we appear to be roughly the same age I feel I am qualified to reply. Do you believe I should have stayed with a husband who physically, mentally, and verbally abused me and my children? He was the one that left btw for a 21 year old. The story is above and I hope you have read ALL the comments as if you had you may not have made such a rash comment.

All forms of abuse are wrong and why should a youthful choice mean you have to stay in a relationship where one person is totally miserable 24/7. You are one of the lucky couples. You obviously do not abuse your wife and you are both amenable to talking things through. How would you feel if your wife constantly accused you of disloyalty even after 14 years and was not willing to get counselling or help. Do you think that is a fit environment for children? Do you think it was good for children back in the day to live with a downtrodden woman with a brute of a husband?

My sons were timid and frightened of their father but now at age 48 and 50 they are men to be proud of, both have been married for 2 decades or so and still in love, kind, generous and caring to their wives and children, would that have been the case had they grown to manhood with their father? I expect you have made mistakes, I know I have, and talking doesn't always work, especially if one wears a mask until after the wedding!

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Fitchet
YOUR decision or have you made another bad mistake give it time THINK ABOUT IT.
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Leannexxx

Fitchet Ive been thinking about it for the last year staying in the relationship for my kids and what bad mistakes have I made? Loving someone so much that you put with everything for years to a point that I think I am doing something wrong

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Leannexxx

Leannexxx would you say the same if he had knocked me about coz from what your saying I should put up with no matter what

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Fitchet

Leannexxx

No one should or has to put up with being knocked about and that is definately not what is being advocated by me, What I am saying is it does not take 14 years to know you have got it wrong and it is obviously a two way thing so why not try a marriage councilor before throwing in the towell.

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Leannexxx

Fitchet he won't do anything I've asked for years

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EmmaWright762

You don't say whose decision it was to break up or why he feels hard done by. Are you making him keep the kids? Or was it your choice to split and you are only letting him see the kids at the weekends?

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Lynibis

EmmaWright762 Everything you ask is explained in the comments. I know we all just sometimes answer the main topic but this is a conversation (chat) and it is often helpful to read all the comments as things are explained as the chat progresses.

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