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How Do I Say This without Seeming Ungrateful?

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I currently have the best neighbours ever and although covid has meant keeping our distance the wife 'keeps an eye on me', and I have baked cupcakes for the 3 kids.

When I got back from my Xmas visit to my son she caught me on arrival and said she hadn't realised I had gone away and had been going to plate me up a Christmas dinner.

My emotions were torn between deep gratitude and feeling like a 90 year old who cannot cook herself a meal. She has now texted to say they are making me Sunday dinner next weekend.

While I love their caring kindness I am quite an independent person and cook myself a meal every day, keep a nice home and hold down a job.....I just don't feel ready for the knackers yard in my 60s.

One or other son and grandchildren phone daily and I have my bubble, I want to be a friend of the family not a cared for old person...........yet.

How do I deal with this situation without causing offence?

Please do not take this as a complaint, they are truly lovely people I am just not ready to be looked after!

Lynibis
2 days ago
What do you think of this?
lynneh
lynneh2 days ago

Why not say thank you so kindly. But also that you’ve been batch cooking for yourself or that your family have been seeing you right? It’s nice to be nice but also people should respect a polite decline too. So if she’s text you also might be easier for you to just say thanks for it this time and say plz not to do again anytime soon coz you’ve got it covered and appreciate the sentiment none the less.

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

Yes I must try to find the right way. I also might say that cooking for myself each day also helps to pass some time while in lockdown.

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lynneh
lynneh2 days ago

Good luck. Not a nice feeling when you know intentions are well but know your own want for capabilities are. But imagine they do an amazing Sunday roast 😍😍. Teehee

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jamiepownall
jamiepownall2 days ago

be light-hearted but honest about it. being honest is best, because if you make an excuse for this weekend, they might make something again for you the following week.

i would explain why you enjoy doing things for yourself- keeping your mind busy, creating new meals, etc. whatever your personal reason.

I think I would much rather someone be honest, because putting myself in the other persons shoes, i'd hate to be making anyone feel insulted or uncomfortable!

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Johnny
Johnny2 days ago

I think honesty is the best policy.

As they are 'lovely people' they will understand.

Reply by text, and keep it simple. Something like. :

"I'm not really sure how to say this, but please can you not cook me dinner. Your kind gesture is much appreciated, and I would love to be a friend of your family. However I'm not ready to feel old and looked after quite yet!"

Then put a hand written card through their door a few hours later, saying I hope I haven't caused offence and just want to say thanks again for your nice gesture.

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BORDERJOE
BORDERJOE2 days ago

Johnny I think that's perfect ... especially the idea of the follow up card. I re-read the question and I can see it's a nice way for them to reciprocate for the cakes but I'd be the same as you, Lynibis ... is there something you COULD ask them to bear you in mind for? eg trimming your bit of hedge when they do theirs.... something you could say that you really can struggle with at times?

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Johnny
Johnny2 days ago

BORDERJOE Thanks.

I discovered honesty really was the best policy after giving an elderly lady 'spare' fresh trout I had caught. She reciprocated with homemade cake.

Her Coffee and Walnut was to die for, but one day she gave me Fruit Cake. I absolutely loath Fruit Cake. Stupidly I told her it was wonderful.

From then on I then got more Fruit Cake and less Coffee & Walnut.

Even years later I rue the day. That's the trouble with lies, they come back to haunt you.

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TheChimp
TheChimp2 days ago

I wouldn't mind a Sunday dinner cooked by my neighbour, but no doubt I'd find something to complain about.

We have an 'older' neighbour next door and I dropped some Cawl off for him this morning. He seemed quite happy and said that he was going to have it for his lunch. He does like my cawl though. I hope that he doesn't feel the same way.

There's not an easy way around your dilemma to be honest and I wouldn't know what to suggest.

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

I think it depends on whether the person looks after themselves or not and how old they are. Men (and I am not being sexist as there are always exceptions)often do not cook proper meals or look after themselves, more common in older generations when it was considered women's work.

That is why I said I am not ready yet because there will come a time when I may be incapable of cooking, cleaning etc and will be extremely glad of someone to cook me a meal. But at the moment I am fit and do everything for myself. My boys are always fussing but we have come to an agreement that I have promised to ask if I need help but until then they allow me my independence. It would be easy to accept all the help offered but I know if I start accepting I will become a lazy fat blob and quickly decline into infirmity.

Image

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Ann1984
Ann19842 days ago

Lynibis off topic but did you watch on five last night about the family in you recent topic am going to catch it later

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

Ann1984 I couldn't bring myself to watch it Ann as I knew it would have me swearing at the tv. I have seen them before though, she was 14 when she had first.

I was cross at it being deleted as I did not feel it was at all political in the true sense of the word, the environment is going to be inherited by our grandkids and their grandkids after all.

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Ann1984
Ann19842 days ago

Lynibis I seen their program before this one is how they coped in lockdown , sadly today what we say people will be offended by it but we can’t be controlled in every way of life. Yes the planet is suffering and worst it’s going to get as one of my previous topics on kids having kids. And again this week my daughter have seen scan pictures of another 5 local.

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possy
possy2 days ago

I think it’s lovely they do that. How often do they do it? If it’s just once in a while I would accept, but if all the time I’d maybe say, there is no need, and that you really enjoy cooking and batch cook x

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Mctash
Mctash2 days ago

Lyn accept some1 else doing something nice for you accepting meal 1nce in a while does not mean your incapable you now that there probley just little lost like we all are dont see it as them looking afted you see it as you helping them feel little better in current climate its if it starts happening more more id mebs worry but at that point you could tell them your strong enough individual you now that 😉

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

That is a good way of looking at it, by allowing them to do something nice it will make them feel good. Thanks Mctash.

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Mctash
Mctash2 days ago

Lynibis yes eggsactly lyn your most welcome 😀

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RachHC
RachHC2 days ago

Maybe you could say thanks but no thanks you enjoy cooking and keeps you busy so you would like to keep that going for something to do during lockdown. It is so kind but sometimes can be a bit much xx

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

Because I don't feel elderly I liken it to cooking a meal for a 30 year old next door, which you wouldn't do generally unless they were ill or less able in some way. I am taken for my grandkids mum by strangers and my son can't keep up with me walking! So I suppose a bit of pride is getting in the way because I am upset that they see me as the old girl next door lol!

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RachHC
RachHC1 day ago

Lynibis i see it from both sides as they are probably just thinking if you live one it is a lot cooking meals every day for yourself but you enjoy it. Every once in a while would be nice just like you baking for them x

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Ann1984
Ann19842 days ago

It’s lovely of them to do this maybe accept this time and say your grateful for it but honestly there no need my sons help out and I like to keep myself busy.

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MrsCraig
MrsCraig2 days ago

I don't necessarily think it's about them seeing you as being elderly but rather you are on your own just now and are trying to be helpful. It might also make them feel good that they are doing something nice for someone else. Tell them that you really appreciate it but you don't want them going to any extra effort for you and that cooking helps you pass the time in lockdown as it gives you something to do. I think they are just trying to be nice and it might be her way of checking to make sure you aren't lonely.

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MandeeMayson
MandeeMayson2 days ago

I would accept the dinner on this occasion, but when they hand it too you say.....

“How lovely, but please let ME return the favour next week”.... adding that you love to cook and keeping active so that you don’t get old before your time?

A polite way of saying ‘I am more than capable?’ Xxxx

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Lynibis
Lynibis
Original Poster
2 days ago

Nice idea Mandee but, I am not prepared to cook for 6 and cart it round to them, I will stick to baking them the odd cake and would be happy to accept same back but a plated up meal just makes me feel old and incapable lol.

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Pjran
Pjran1 day ago

It’s time to have a quiet word and explain how you feel but gently does it. How about send some flowers with a little note saying you need to chat.

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ILOVEFANTA
ILOVEFANTA1 day ago

Lynibis honestly would just accept this lovely kind gesture from your neighbour, might have absolutely nothing to do with your age, they are doing this as you are on your own and they have some spare food.

If it's only the odd occasion and not forced on you weekly, I wouldn't say anything, just let someone be nice to you and look after you. Doesn't mean your not capable of doing for yourself or that anyone thinks that.

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Ann1984
Ann19841 day ago

Just a thought I wonder if they here on LD 🤔👁👀

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