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Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

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I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:

🐕 “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

🚗 “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”

Anyone have a better one-liner they love?

(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)

Kelsey
Kelsey
Founder
a month ago
What do you think of this?
flynny39
flynny39a month ago

Your ass must be jealous of your face coz u talk so much pap

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4
TheChimp
TheChimpa month ago

What is E.T. short for? Because he has little legs.

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4
davidstockport
davidstockporta month ago

My wife and I decided we didn't want any children... we're telling them tonight at dinner! 😀 😀 😀 Image

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8
MelissaLee1963
MelissaLee1963a month ago

Love this one David.

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3
davidstockport
davidstockporta month ago

MelissaLee1963 Thanks... I wanted to be a comedian but was afraid people would laugh at me.😀

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MelissaLee1963
MelissaLee1963a month ago

davidstockport You're sharp enough to cut yourself sometimes lol.

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4
mp34575
mp34575a month ago

davidstockport never give up.

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1
Mick82
Mick82a month ago

John travolta was rushed to hospital doctors though he had COVID turns out it was just Saturday night fever

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5
lilyflower
lilyflowera month ago

Stevie Nicks apparently turned down a marriage proposal from William Shatner. She didn't want to be known as Stevie Shatner Nicks

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5
beccatavender
beccatavendera month ago

Mine is " Dr how do you cure water on the brain, a tap on the head" I crack up everytime I hear it. I think it's because it was the 1st joke that was an actual joke my son told me when he was about 5.

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4
Mick82
Mick82a month ago

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity it’s impossible to put down

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3
stevea808
stevea808a month ago

It's raining cats and dog out there.

I just stepped in a poodle. 🤣

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4
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

My father drank so heavily, when he blew on the birthday cake he lit the candles

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3
MrsPacker
MrsPackera month ago

I recently went to the funeral of the inventor of the crossword puzzle. He was buried 6 down and four across.

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3
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

I'm skeptical of anyone who tells me they do yoga every day. That's a bit of a stretch

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3
dawarwick
dawarwicka month ago

One armed waiters. They can take it but they can’t dish it out.

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4
dawarwick
dawarwicka month ago

I went on a ballooning holiday once. I put on two stone.

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3
dawarwick
dawarwicka month ago

I bet the inventor of bread was really annoyed that the person who first thought of slicing it gets all the credit.

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4
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

What’s the difference between a ‘hippo’ and a ‘Zippo’? One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter

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5
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

A perfectionist walked into a bar...apparently, the bar wasn’t set high enough.

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4
TiaTia
TiaTiaa month ago

I popped to the shops to buy some camouflage trousers but couldn't find any.

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2
TiaTia
TiaTiaa month ago

I find that Whiteboards are remarkable.

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2
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

The police have just rang to inform me that they’ve recovered my stolen sofa.

That was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty.

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4
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa

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4
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

The 30th August sheep dog trials will only allow certain dog breeds to enter,

as it’s a ‘ban collie day’.

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5
davidstockport
davidstockporta month ago

Nice one sunny101 it reminded me of an old one:

At the Republic of Ireland sheep dog trials... three dogs were found guilty 😀

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

davidstockport 😄 I have a friend who drives me insane with his one-liners! He is worse than Tim Vine.

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CherylTwyman
CherylTwymana month ago

I used to live on a boat and I started seeing the girl next door eventually we drifted apart.

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Buying a coffee and the barista was wearing a face mask.

I asked “Why are you wearing a surgical mask?”

She said, “I’m not, it’s a coughy filter.”

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4
lilyflower
lilyflowera month ago

After nearly 50 years of trying, my grandmother has finally stopped my grandfather from biting his nails.............

She’s hidden his teeth!

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3
frankfart
frankfarta month ago

chuck naris.....the end

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1
seasider71
seasider71a month ago

I visited a zoo yesterday. The only enclosure there had a small dog in it. It was a Shih Tzu.

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2
SarahHorsfield
SarahHorsfielda month ago

Give you old toys to charity

I’m other words let him/her keep him/ her

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3
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and I think, 'Well, that's not going to happen"!

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2
dawarwick
dawarwicka month ago

If I ever find the guy who messed up my limb transplants, I'm going to kill him with my bear hands.

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4
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

A friend suggested putting horse manure on my strawberries. I’m never doing that again, I’m going back to whipped cream!

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3
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room,

then a man enters and asks, “Can you see me?” and they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”

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4
HEDGEHOGS
HEDGEHOGSa month ago

They say money doesn't grow on trees, if that's right why do banks have branches?

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dawarwick
dawarwicka month ago

I put on a lot of weight recently so I rang up weight watchers, I said ‘it’s an emergency can you send somebody round’, and they said ‘yes we can we’ve got loads of them’

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2
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

Here’s a picture of me with REM. That’s me in the corner.

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2
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Sean Connery was asked to leave the animal sanctuary.....he said he wanted to shave the animals

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Glitterandgold
Glitterandgolda month ago

"I saw there was a sign on the escalators, dog must be carried on this escalator, could I find a dog tho, could I heck."

Always gets a laugh from me.

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

I’ve been telling people about the benefit of eating dried grapes, it’s all about raisin awareness.

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andrewmcnamee77
andrewmcnamee77a month ago

My mate Gavin died yesterday overdosed on heartburn tablets. Can't believe gavisgon

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3
Pppathome
Pppathomea month ago

An Irish man drinking in a bar on his own , and his phone rings and he answers how did you know I was here.

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2
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

I said to the gym instructor: “Can you teach me to do the splits?”, He said: “How flexible are you?”, I said: “I can’t make Tuesdays.”

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3
UKstar
UKstara month ago

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised

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4
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

The TV company sent an alien engineer to fix my aerial. Now I get extra terrestrial channels

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3
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

To the person who stole my glasses. I will hunt you down and find you. I have contacts.

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3
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell

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3
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