Should Grandparents Be Obliged to Provide Childcare For Their Grandchildren?
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I have just read a story in the Mirror online about a mother who has condemned her parents as morally poor for not supplying regular committed childcare. She goes on to say she is lucky and can afford childcare so i must admit i felt quite angry at her attitude. Her gripe seemed to be that they do help out but only when it is convenient for them.
This got me thinking about my own situation. I willingly and gladly looked after my grandchildren. My granddaughter stayed over nearly every weekend and i booked 1 day per week off work to have my grandson during school holidays. I absolutely loved playing, baking, building tents and even took granddaughter away to places like cadburyworld. She is now expecting her first child and said recently 'oh well that's 4 days per week taken care of' between me and her mother in law. I said nothing but have been looking forward to retirement and i also feel i dont want to commit and maybe have to cancel my own plans to accommodate. I am happy to do the odd evening so they can go out and emergencies, of course. She may have been joking but who knows, i have done 2 generations so am i being morally poor not to want to do another?
No you're in the right here. 
You've done your job and now they need to do theirs. It's wrong for children to assume that parents should always be ready to take care of their children. Personally I wouldn't want to put this pressure on my parents, yes a one off that's been arranged . Fair enough but should not be made into a normal practice. That's my opinion anyways
My cousin refused to commit herself to regular childcare for her first grandchild. At the time I thought that was shocking but on reflection I ended up agreeing with her as she didn’t want to be tied down.
I don’t have children unfortunately but my sister does. They are adults now. I remember my parents looked after my niece for 2 days a week when very young and sister worked. They loved it. Also my sister did pay them to do it but not as much as childcare. When I ask about when they have children it’s a no. They are too old now and have already done their job. It’s up to parents to sort it out. Parents now become the grandparents.
You have already raised your own children, you helped with your grandchildren and shouldn't feel pressured into doing it again. This is your time to enjoy doing the things you love or to just sit on your sofa doing nothing if you wish.
My son now attends nursery while my husband and I work but before that I stayed home and looked after him. My parents, who live half an hour away, have never supplied regular childcare. It is not their responsibility to look after my child.
Childcare can be extremely hard for parents to manage when working these days particularly when they work odd hours, however you are completely right. It's not your job to do anything for your grandchildren, it's the job of their parents. Some grandparents enjoy helping, others want to live for themselves or can't due to their own health or work commitments, It's just what it is.
Midnightflower I am happy to help whenever I can I just don't want the pressure of being committed, especially with a great grandchild as I no longer have the energy or strength.
Its your kids, you look after them. It is nice if the grandparents do offer but no to expect that of them. Let them enjoy their life.
It's not your responsibility to be a (free) substitute child carer. Any grandparent who wants to help out ought to only when it's convenient for them.
No .. if they want to have their grandchildren on their terms thats fine,but it should not be pressumed or expected of them.
I think the term "morally poor" is being misused as manipulation here.
No one should be under any obligation to commit to looking after a child just because its convinient for the parent.
The older generation should feel zero guilt in enjoying their life on their terms.
sam07 as a grandparent I helped my own kids a lot with their kids, so I do feel I have done what most grandparents would do. It means I have rich and loving relationships with my grandkids. However, as a great grandparent I feel I must fulfil my ambitions while I still have time left on this earth.
No.
This reminds me of this scene from Jerry Springer:
She didn't want to be alone simply due to the kids (2) and she knew it'd be hard to find someone who'd help her financially.
Is it selfish to view it like that? I guess, but it's life and a man cherishes (not deadbeat dads, of course) more his own child than somebody else's (unless he's unable to).
You’re not being morally poor at all, you can’t put your plans on hold for others unless you want to.
Retirement is to be enjoyed so I completely understand why you don’t want more commitments
I'm lucky my parents and in laws have mine so I can go to work. I work term time so they drop off and pick up. They don't have to but actually want to. They will switch if they have plans to suit themselves. I've never expected it I'd have paid for childcare if needs be but they want to. I the mornings the in laws drop off it suits as they go past to walk the dogs
Jerseydrew yes, I have had my turns at parenting and grandparenting, I guess I just felt I wouldn't have to do it a third time. By the time this great grandchild is self sufficient I will be ready for the knackers yard having never accomplished my retirement dreams.
I do not have grandchildren yet, my daughter lost two, very sad but my husband and I have always said we are not going to be childminders for any grandchildren just loving grandparents.
eyeballkerry my parents would happily. As I work with kids I happily have my nephews and nieces over the holidays as I'm used to up to 90 kids (not on my own) so a few on my own is a walk in the park. I've always said the grandparents aren't childminders I refuse to take the mickey. I know plenty who do
I have never had the luxury of having family close by, so had to pay for childcare. I can remember over hearing a conversation in work by a colleague to her Mum, who was picking up her daughter from school "Can you give her tea and I will pick her up latter as I need to get some ironing done". This wasn't an isolated incident and I remember thinking, she doesn't realise how lucky she is, and I thought she was just taking her Mum for granted as there was no please or thank you.
I think you have the right to enjoy your retirement, if you want to give up your time to spend time with grandchildren that's great. But you have brought up your family, no one should guilt you into doing more. Babies are a lot of work and no one should make assumptions about your availability.
beccatavender it is also the fact that I get tired so easily these days and have a dodgy knee, my sense of balance isn't good. I would never forgive myself if I tripped while holding a baby. One of the reasons I retired was that I was finding it hard to carry the baby seats with baby, often near to 3 stone and lifting the children who could not get into their seats was also problematic.
As I have said I did my share with two generations and worked from age 16 so I consider the time I have left to be my own.
Lynibis Quite right, the great thing about retirement is you can just suit yourself. My husband retired 12 years ago and he has never looked so happy, he is able to pursue his hobbies. He has joined the local archaeology group, golf, pool, etc.
I remember when I first got married, we lived in London, and my Mum in law offered to childmind any children, as it happened I didn't have a child until 5 years later, by that time we had moved out of London. But I said to my husband, when she offered, your Mum is 65 it's unfair to expect to look after a baby, because they are hard work Babysitting for a few hours is one thing but day after day is another.
beccatavender Great to hear your husband is enjoying his retirement, good luck to him. My mum used to offer to look after our children, i never asked, I was a full time mum, as she was on her own she liked the company.
eyeballkerry I think the main in thing is that someone offers and it's not expected. Enjoy your retirement you have worked long enough to do what you want when you want. My husband said retirement = freedom.
eyeballkerry I was always happy to have my granddaughter most weekends as she was more like a little companion. My weekends would have been empty otherwise. I got on really well with her mother (separated from my son) and it gave her a chance to enjoy her weekends with her friends.
My son would spend time with us and he would have her on some weekends too. It was mutually beneficial to all of us. The benefit? A lovely relationship with her and she tells me I have always been more of a second mum.
Lynibis I think that's great that you have that close relationship with your granddaughter and it's a good family dynamic, but it has to be a mutual thing, not having someone automatically assume you are available and being taken for granted.
My bestie of 40 years has felt obliged to commit to 4 days a week childcare for her son and his partner. We both did the same job and more and more she was refusing the work offered so has, in effect, left. We are both pensioners but her income has now halved to just her state pension but she is paid nothing for having 3 kids 13, 8 and 1. She uses her petrol for school runs, often buys food as the mother is a scummy mummy (so sorry but it is the truth) and does nothing if she can get the oldest child, my friend or her partner to do it.
From a selfish point of view this was to be a time when we could do things together unimpeded by work but now she is trapped. What makes it worse is that this woman works from home one day a week but hides away upstairs and only comes down lunchtime to get food and drink then rushes back, obviously to avoid giving my friend a break. Sometimes it is 7am to 7pm.
We meet once a week when we can and I get so angry when she keeps going on about being put upon but does nothing about it. Grrrrr.
Personally, I would consider it a joy and a privilege to be so involved in my grandchildren lives. Perhaps a discussion should have taken place prior to conception of the baby in order all involved parties understood fully each others perspective.
comriegold Not sure I understand, are you referring to me or my best friend after my update above.
If me, then I am sure you saw from my initial post and comments that I DID enjoy the privilege of being very much a part of my grandchildren's lives and helped out whenever I could, considering I was working full time too, as I was single and had to pay the bills. It is only now I do not feel up to looking after a baby. Can you imagine if I stumbled while carrying it or had a stroke or heart attack, I do not find it easy climbing the stairs even. Also I feel what time I have left should be to fulfil my own dreams having spent my life looking after others.
If talking of my friend, then good luck with telling kids or grandkids when or if they should have children
To be honest, it is now up to her to put up or shut up or tell them she cannot afford to financially, physically or emotionally do the 4 days a week they expect.
By the way I never expected or took a penny for looking after mine, it was my way of helping my family but my friend has given up a paid job and is now struggling as she believed they would give £50 per week. They now say they can't afford it, but the mother can go out boozing every weekend and off on weekends away with her girlfriends.
Oh I did absolutely not mean my comments to be a criticism at all and apologise if it sounded that way.
I have worked with people most of my adult life. I have found that communication between folks is generally very poor. How blessed you are to have grandchildren.
comriegold ah well, I am sorry if I took it the wrong way. You are right about communication. For my friend I suggested she should maybe write an explanatory letter without sounding accusatory, as face to face can often turn to a row.
Lynibis that is a great suggestion. A letter takes the heat out statements and can be read and re-read. I really hope it works out x
My parents and in laws look after mine. I try and be sharp for pick ups. I don't expect it.
When the holidays come around its so safe to say that with screaming kids around the shops it will also be safe to say that grandparents will be helping with there grandkids . I would move heaven and earth to help my kids and they become parents me and my wife will class it as the ultimate pleasure to have time with our grandkids but at the same time its not a god given right to expect to have your children looked after by your parents or grandparents .Its work with each other and help when you can help but not be expecting all the time .
stuartsmith544 I agree, but the point I am making is that this will be my great grandchild and I really do not feel I have the energy to run around after a baby/toddler any more. But as I said I will be happy to babysit so parents can go out socially.
Lynibis that sounds like the perfect solution. Great grandparents are generally not fit enough to commit to such a demanding role. Unless the circumstances were extreme
No they should they should only look after that child if they want to it's there child they should sort something it or not have them I look after my own kids because I stopped working and we live on my partner wages we get by don't get me wrong my dad has offered to watch my kids but it all honesty I wouldn't put it on him he's too old to be looking after a 2 year old for longs hours at a time
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