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Your Favourite One-Liner Jokes?

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I unashamedly snuck in a few one liners into this afternoon's deal broadcast:

🐕 “As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn’t afford a dog.”

🚗 “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”

🍽 “Combine Harvesters. And you’ll have a really big restaurant”

Anyone have a better one-liner they love?

(PS. Pretty sure the above were all from the Edinburgh fringe festival - definitely can't claim credit for them!)

Kelsey
Kelsey
Founder
2 months ago
What do you think of this?
telmel
telmela month ago

“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’'

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1
telmel
telmela month ago

“I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess.”

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telmel
telmela month ago

“A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals.”

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1
telmel
telmela month ago

“My grandfather invented the cold air balloon. It never really took off.”

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telmel
telmela month ago

I’m addicted to brake fluid, but I can stop whenever I want

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telmel
telmela month ago

Two fish are sitting in a tank. One looks over at the other and says: “Hey, do you know how to drive this thing?”

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neo1
neo1a month ago

Voluntary work ! .. I wouldn’t do it if you paid me

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

The roman emperor's wife hates playing hide and seek because wherever she goes Julius Caesar!

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tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

What did the shark say when he ate the clownfish?

This tastes a little funny

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

Marvin Gaye used to keep a sheep in my vineyard. He'd herd it through the grapevine...

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey… and a cola.”

“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender. The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

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davewalsh126
davewalsh126a month ago

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Did you hear about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Did you hear about the semi-colon that broke the law? He was given two consecutive sentences.

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2
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Q. What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? A. I don’t know and I don’t care.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested. I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

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2
neo1
neo1a month ago

Someone has removed the 5th month from my calendar........ I'm dismayed !

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1
neo1
neo1a month ago

My friend accused me of stealing his thesaurus. Not only was I shocked, I was also aghast, appalled and dismayed

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

What do you call a parade of rabbits hopping backwards?

A receding hare-line.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you…”

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

Why can’t you explain puns to kleptomaniacs?

They always take things literally.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

I saw Michael J Fox in the florists this morning, he had his Back to the Fuchsias.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

My dog ran off in the park last night. I walked around for 30 minutes but couldn’t find him. The Mrs said I should look harder,

so I shaved my head and got tattoos. I still can’t find him!

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

What's Santa's favourite pizza? One that's deep pan, crisp and even. (apologies, I know it's a little early 😆 )

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Why don’t owls try mating in the rain? Because it’s just too wet to woo.

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1
neo1
neo1a month ago

Two men walked into a bar...... the third man ducked

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1
tumblespots
tumblespotsa month ago

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.

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sunny101
sunny101a month ago

I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Engineers have successfully made a car that can run on parsley. They are now attempting to make trains that can run on thyme...

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

Bob The Builder has emigrated and set up a new business on a French Mediterranean island... Can he fix it? Corsican!

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1
sunny101
sunny101a month ago

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes...

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1
sunny101
sunny1014 weeks ago

My wife's just asked me if I've seen the dog bowl. I said "to be honest I never even knew he played cricket".

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots4 weeks ago

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots4 weeks ago

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

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1
tumblespots
tumblespots4 weeks ago

Why did the nurse need a red pen at work?

In case she needed to draw blood.

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1
sunny101
sunny1014 weeks ago

My boyfriend told me he was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer. I said, "No, wait! I can change."

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sunny101
sunny1014 weeks ago

What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle? A tire.

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sunny101
sunny1014 weeks ago

Diet - Day1 - I removed all the fattening food from my house. I feel so much better, it was delicious.

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1
sunny101
sunny1014 weeks ago

I'm not saying your perfume is too strong. I'm just saying the canary was alive before you got here.

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sunny101
sunny1013 weeks ago

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

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sunny101
sunny1013 weeks ago

Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

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sunny101
sunny1013 weeks ago

Yesterday I saw a guy spill all his Scrabble letters on the road. I asked him, “What’s the word on the street?”

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sunny101
sunny1013 weeks ago

Have you heard about the new restaurant called Karma?

There’s no menu: You just get what you deserve.

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